Confusion reigns supreme

Here's the funny thing. Until now I've been afraid that the dangers of being with Byron are

1) losing my best friend

2) losing my job (if we get caught being stupid in the office)

3) losing my head and ending up with a broken heart

What I should have been worried about is the fact that I am now seriously questioning my sexuality. I've always had vague fantasies about having a threesome. As in me, a guy and another girl. 

Until now it's been kinda vague. Turns out its a fantasy of Byron's as well. So we've been discussing it in detail. And now we're planning one... So tonight's mutual session of messing about involved swapping what videos we were watching online.

Here in lies the confusion. I'm now so insanely turned on just watching girls tonight. Am I just so horny everything is turning me on? Am I bi? Am I gay? Am I finally just going insane?

Either way I think it's time to turn off the porn and try to get some wholesome sleep...

A sexless affair...

Oh lord in heaven. So today it was office life that monumentally derailed our plans for a steamy tryst at mine tonight. Also combined with him not sleeping last night and me being a moody bitch certainly dampened both our desires. 

Final nail in the coffin was Byron's nightly argument with her at home. Lead to our usual joint commute of bitching about the office and discussing everything we would have preferred doing in my bedroom. 

To be honest though its nights like this more than ever I wish we were dating. Because if we were at we could have gone to one of our places together and have lazy sex. This is the sex where you replace the physical intensity with the emotional. Nice, slow, lazy Sunday afternoon style sex. In the middle of the week.  

Sadly as we still haven't got around to this and we both know the first time has to be hot, dirty, physically demanding, risk breaking furniture and ourselves sex. In Byron's own words we both "have to bring our A game". 

Great so two office martyrs, working all hours under the sun for a deluded madman plus avoiding one girlfriend who watches his every move like a hawk... How in god's name do we find time and energy to fuck?

I don't even have the energy to change the batteries in my vibrator tonight ffs...

Burning alive

God I am so frustrated. Over a month of intense flirting and we're reaching a breaking point. Byron and I have been dangerously reckless at work. Heavy flirting, kissing in the kitchen. Outside of work we've been for a drink and some seriously heavy petting in an area of London we could easily be recognised. 

Amazingly he told me today he missed me last week. And he'd been thinking about me. Granted there was an admission a lot of that time he was thinking about fucking me. It's still amazing progress for him. Don't normally get those admissions. 

He's still not single though. I'm a little worried I still feel no guilt. The plan is to fuck after work tomorrow. We've been down this road before and he normally bails. 

I know how I feel about things are there are two non-negotiable points I have decided on. Firstly I will not live my life without him. He's my best friend, nobody gets me as well as he does and we simply have too much fun together. 

Secondly I'm not going through life without fucking him. We're too close, there's too much heat between us and god if the kissing is anything to go by its going to be the best sex I've ever had. 

F*cked Buddies

Argh so frustrated tonight. Nearing the end of my enforced communication separation from Byron. This is the longest we've spent apart since his last holiday with the psycho (granted they were getting along better at that time and we weren't in the hot and heavy zone we are now). This was back in May. It now being November I'm used to not seeing him two out of seven days of the week. 9 straight days of no word has been horrible.

There are several things annoying me about this holiday. Mainly its the knowledge that they will have had a lovely time away together. Because when he is a) in her line of sight at all times and b) not talking about his career they do get along. Problem is when he's out of her line of sight he usually these days has his hands all over me and his lips on mine. Also his career is majorly important to him and he does want to invest time in it so she's not going to like that when they come back to London.

I can't lie, I'm also disappointed he hasn't messaged me. So I did the ultra mature thing and texted Player to see if he felt like hooking up tonight. But sadly he doesn't appear to be talking to me either. Can't say I blame he after all he is Byron's flatmate and no doubt knows what we've been up too lately.

Whoops did I previously not mention that Byron and Player are best mates? I really did mean to write that down at some point.... Because life isn't complicated enough is it some days.

I am so fucked. Been physically screwing one guy who I don't care about emotionally who is best friends with the guy who is emotionally screwing me over by not fucking me. I have no idea how I got into this mess. More worryingly at the moment I just can't see a way out.

Ghosts in the machines

Urgh really truly awful day. Tonight's post will be short. Major system error crashed the business today. Cue much flapping of arms and jaws until it was fixed.

Reliance on computers is dangerous but inevitable these days. One random string of code is the difference between success and failure. Finding that one string and righting it when it goes wrong is a nightmare. 

Issue like the above are where I take issue with the phrase "needle in a haystack". With the right tools a needle is easy to find in a haystack. Needle is a man made metallic structure completely different to the malleable organic stands of hay. This is looking for a specific needle in a stack of needles. And that's way harder. 

Byron has become a ghost in a machine in his own way. He merely exists this week in the form of past communications. Nothing new. Not allowed to contact him still. 

Our business relies on computers controlling the flow of money around the world. I'm relying on the memory of past messages being enough to bring Byron back to me next week. All down to random strings of code in the end. 

Symbiotic siblings

One of the strangest aspects of my job is the fact my younger brother works in the same office as me. 

It was recently his birthday and I owed him dinner out (and a belated present). It's strange we're too very different people taste wise but working with him has made me realise (after 23 years) that our core values and ethics are perfectly matched. 

So tonight was spent discussing our next career moves, the current mood of the office and swapping tactical gossip. 

The good news is both sides have been able to report we are well respected and considered to be hard workers. The bad news for me is the mapping up of my relationship with Byron has not gone unnoticed. 

And so we're back to weird. My kid brother having to hear rumours about me banging a senior manager at the same company we work for. Life is never simple is it?

Out damned spot!

Oh my god. I thought part of growing older was things like spots are supposed to go the hell away (in denial the cause of this is being the recent resurgence in my smoking habit). 

I'm not in the habit of complaining about something so trivial but the damn thing is in my ear canal. I can just feel it with the top of my finger. I can feel it every time I flex my jaw. I can feel it when I lie down on that side. 

I have a million to one other things I could complain about from my life. The fact I was in work early. The fact that I stayed late. The fact I feel totally overworked and under appreciated. Byron not being there to support me work wise. The issues of reliance on 3rd party providers. Idiot flatmates. Underpaid. 

Nope thing that's driving me to utter despair is a single small spot in my ear. I cannot for the life of me work out if I have amazing perspective on life, the tolerance of a saint or if I have finally lost my last marble...

Of vice and men

Hmmm nothing like the absence of something no make you miss it all the more. 

I'm missing another body pressed against mine. I'm craving feeling another body pressed against mine. Byron's has been explicitly teasing me for nearly a month and has now vanished on his holiday with no idea how he will be on his return. 

Player has vanished into the ether once more. Possibly for good as I recently broke the cardinal rule of our agreement and sent an emotionally charged text. Emotions weren't directed at him, they were about Byron, but I still text him which I shouldn't have. 

And Army Boy is on an army base and therefore completely utterly more so non-contactable than Byron. 

And all I wanna do is fuck someone. Too tired though to go out to a club. So if i can't indulge in bad men I'll indulge in my other vices. 

Namely smoking, drinking and bad tv. I'll be virtuous some other time. 

TV Embrace

Lazy evening tonight. First day covering Work Bitch's job. Her being away has its highs and its lows. The massive positive is there's no toxic cloud wafting around the office... In addition to her noxious perfume her personality isn't that great either. 

Downside is my feet didn't touch the floor for the better part of 8 hours today. Am exhausted despite my lazy weekend. Curled up tonight with some wine and excellent tv to soothe my nerves and got to thinking. 

A few weeks ago I was approached by a TV production company asking if I was interested in putting myself forward for a new show following a group of friends around London. After much thought I declined. 

Watching Made in Chelsea tonight I'm glad I did decline. I couldn't be as honest as I am in this blog on TV. I couldn't put myself up to that level of scrutiny and on many occasions ridicule with everyone knowing who I am. 

So for tonight I'll admire those who have that level of bravery to put themselves out there. Not deliberately promoting myself here but I did briefly work with one of the Made in Chelsea people and I know enough that they're not exactly the persona on TV.

Sticking to this side of my TV screen was certainly the right choice for me. Easier to be myself that way. 

Plan the work, work the plan

So I have 7 more days of enforced non-contact with Byron. The first 5 of 10 days without Work Bitch in the office. Time to get my head in the game. 

I still desperately need to tidy my room, but it simply been too exhausted this weekend. But it has to happen. Getting my room in order will be a major step towards getting the rest of my life in order. 

Work wise I need to plan the removal of responsibilities from Work Bitch. This will be a major step towards massively improving my CV. Because frankly I deserve a better job... And I want a better fucking salary to match. 

And if I can get this done I'll mentally be in a better place overall. I suspect I will need this so I can continue to support Byron. I'm currently seriously torn between hoping he's having a miserable time so he finally leaves an hoping he's having a lovely time and getting the rest he so desperately needs. 

But my life first. God created the world in 6 days and rested on the seventh. Lets see if I can recreate mine and post a nice peaceful post next Sunday awaiting Byron's return. 

Shattered...

Posting early tonight. Already been to bed once as I can barely keep my eyes open. Just waiting for a take away dinner, do some dishes and then going straight back to bed. 

As per usual these days been to the office this morning. Work Bitch is away for two weeks (see miracles do happen) which means I take over her job. 

Byron will also be away this week. We were alone late at the office again last night. We were supposed to be going for a drink but the poor lamb had so much to finish we ended up just hanging at the office. 

Been a definite improvement since the horror of Wednesday, the dirty talk resumed as did a few small kisses but granted not on our normal scale. This is the funny thing about the stress of our jobs - they just leave you so frustrated you end up wanting to have really rough sex with someone. But someone who understands the day you've just been through is also an important factor. 

I will miss Byron for the next 9 days. It's like a long weekend and standard Byron weekend rules apply - no contact what so ever. Not sure what will happen between him and his girlfriend but that's a long post for another night. For now I need to have some food then crawl into bed and slip quietly into a semi-catatonic state. 

Laws of the Robotic

Had another interesting flatmate day today. The idiot bohemian boy had a nosebleed this morning and yet he merrily swanned off to work leaving blood over the floors...

This has to be the most grim flat sharing story of my life. I really feel sorry for my other flat mate who text me this at work as she was cleaning it up. 

I crossed paths with him tonight and asked for his version of events. I got a ridiculous story about it being ok to leave blood on the floors because cleaning it would make him late for work... And he's normally late anyway so he's in trouble as it is with his company. Boo fucking hoo mate. 

I pointed out he was disgusting to leave that as it was. I got told I was a robot with no empathy for his tragic life. This would be a life of raving, occasionally going to work, always forgetting to pay me for bills and now expecting is to clean up his blood?

Of disagreeing with the above makes me a robot fine by mean. Sign me up. Actually could you also book me in for an oil change and have a look at my brakes? Haven't stopped at all this week and need to be in the office tomorrow at 8am? Thanks. 

Reset. Reboot. Restart.

Oh today was weird. After last night's fight it took my and Byron a while to readjust. 

Weird day in general in the office. Filming footage for a corporate promotion film. Grim. One thing today has proved is being on TV is never going to be an option for me. 

A camera right in my face at my desk. While I'm trying to work as if nothing is happening. I dread what my facial expression was. And to think I thought the most awkward thing about my job was trying to discreetly dirty text Byron from my desk...

Commute home was the moment Byron and I dragged ourselves back onto our normal wavelength. Just laughing and joking. Only serious point was me telling him I'm going to pretend last night didn't happen and I expect him to do the same. 

And also that us not being together is the most stupid thing he's ever said. Mostly because this is the 5th time he's said this but always comes back to me. 

Last words were a joke about "getting off together" on the tube. I think in the long run we'll be fine. In the short term however I think I'm still in for a rough ride. 

Excruciating pain...

Awful night. Really bad. Things have been weird this week with Byron, he's barely even looked at me this week let alone spoken. Complete shutdown. 

Lost it with him a bit tonight and the text messages that followed were the most horrifically cold words he's even written to me. 

Culminating in the statement we will never be together. 

Earlier I was upset. Now I'm just fucking angry. I refuse to believe I've imagined the last 10 months of our lives. To be honest if my imagination was that good I wouldn't be working my crappy job. I'd be writing novels and out selling JK Rowling and Helen Fielding combined. 

I'm not going to do anything crazy or stupid. I AM going to tear a strip off him tomorrow. How dare he push me till I snap again. It's a very clear defence - making me seem as crazy as his girlfriend. Gives him all too good an excuse to run and hide. 

Y Plan? It's only makes God laugh...

Der mentsh trakht un Got lakht

Yiddish - man plans. God laughs. 

Funny the things you remember from school days. So while I supposedly planning and waiting for some fictional life with Byron I actually went out and lived for the night. 

The life I've always planned while living in London. Spontaneously going to the theatre and grabbing a late tube home with take out. Fortunately there's an app for that - Y Plan*. Yesterday booked a quick and easy virtual ticket and off I went. I fear this app will put quite a dent in my (limited) disposable income but I sense it will be worth it. Big shout out to these guys - they deserve it. Second shout out for Noodle Stop at Leicester Sq for supplying me with BBQ chicken and rice to sustain me on the way home. 

Granted the play I chose turned out a no holds barred emotional roller coaster with some very disturbing sound effects which left me hanging onto my wine for dear life. But still this is the life I always wanted. 

All that's missing is someone to share it with. Whether that's Byron or not remains to be seen...

*disclaimer I have not been payed to endorse/advertise/wax lyrical about Y Plan. It's my personal experience/opinion of using this app. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

About face

Well the storm hit and rattled me to the core. Idiot French flatmate left his windows open and his bedroom door nearly came of the hinges swinging back and forth... I'm hoping if I keep acting a total bitch towards him he will more out sooner rather than later... Easy enough to do I just keep asking him to pay his share of the bills. 

Byron had a calmer weekend. Too calm. They got along this weekend. So no naughtiness today. True to form this. As soon as we're getting close (and I don't mean the bus shenanigans I mean emotionally close) he magically has a peaceful weekend with her and we take another step back. 

Of course the psyche of the fact they're going away next week has nothing to do with it I'm sure...

I'm getting really frustrated with this. In a benevolent mood I tell myself he's confused, in a very bad situation and (by his own admission last Friday) scared of screwing things up any further. 

But tonight I'm in a mood as black as the clouds that rolled across Great Britain last night. Tonight he has more faces than Janus. Tonight he would deserve me turning up at his place to announce to his girlfriend all that has passed between us in the last 11 months (that's one month less than they've been together). But I know as my friend he would never forgive me for such an act and I couldn't live with that. 

And after all patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait. And in all likelihood this weekend has been a mere cessation of hostilities between them, not the end of the war. 

Any port in a storm

Oh I hate Sundays. I really do. 

Firstly I dragged myself into the office (using Byron's key) to clear up some annoying admin work. I did this at the cost of my own admin work at home. 

Admin stuff I really need to do includes 

* tidy room which currently looks like a bomb exploded in H&M

* food shopping for actual ingredients to cook a meal, not buy more ready meals out of exhaustion 

* tidy my room

* archive previous blog posts so they're not lost and general work on blog as well

* seriously need to tidy my room

* tidy computer hard drive

* seriously TIDY MY FUCKING ROOM... Ffs I'm 25 and could currently put the average 15 year old to shame...

So all the above needs doing to get halfway to organising my life. Tomorrow is the start of yet another week of merry-go-rounds with Byron no doubt. Wonder how sorting his life is going. 

Epic storms brewing both indoors and outdoors for both of us no doubt. Still as bad as my room is I still think its a better port of call for Byron than the emotional mess of his home life. 

Question is what will the level of destruction be... And more importantly will enough wreckage survive to build something storm proof afterwards?

Smart phone? More like Smart Bomb

So I've been dwelling today on one of the points Byron and I had a healthy discussion about last night. And I say healthy discussion as arguments are something he has with girlfriend which result in shouting, tears and recriminations. 

Byron has asserted all girls are some level of crazy. And that when were emotionally involved we run the risk of doing crazy things. Byron is afraid I will do something crazy and unleash hell unto his existence if things fail between us. 

I actually realised today I could do that very easily if I wanted to. Now before I go any further I have no intention of ever going through with this - it's just the easiest, first plan I thought of. 

Byron and the girlfriend live together currently. Byron's girlfriend lives in fear of him cheating (she has a point there - see last nights blog post) so routinely goes through his phone and emails (Byron may have a point about crazy women). 

Needless to say anything I text Byron and vice versa is deleted... From his phone. Mine is perfectly intact from last December when this all began. Even when he changed his phone number. 

Add in my email accounts and every blog post I've ever written on the very same phone and I have the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb in my hand. 

So a girlfriend who I know where she lives. And Byron who I know works late. Byron's right it would be terrifyingly easy for me to turn up at their flat, hand her my phone and in all likelihood destroy their relationship once and for all. 

I'm glad I'm in more control of myself. Byron may have a point about the craziness of women. For his sake he'd better hope I know my own mind enough never to do something like that to him...

Voyage of the Damned

You know you're onto a winning outfit when your taken boss has one look at you in it and announces 

"Well I'm going straight to hell"

Definitely a winning outfit. Ankle length skirts look perfectly respectable from the front... Side on the thigh high splits on both legs certainly gave Byron something to think about. 

As I previously mentioned, many eons ago, I work for a financial company. And today was bonus day in our company so Byron and I headed for celebratory drinks. 

Conversation had two settings. Setting One the dirty details of what we want to do to each other. Setting Two serious emotional implications of going though with Setting One. 

In a brief summary Byron has admitted he's afraid/unsure we could make things work. I told him he was an idiot. Repeat 4 times then discuss blow jobs then reverse. 

Finale of the night though was making use of the thigh high splits in my skirt. One convenient coat over my lap on the bus and Byron very effectively slipped his hand between my legs and rubbed my clit until I came. 

Managed to keep from screaming. Think we were discreet enough to get away with it. Although to be honest I couldn't care less who knew. It was too much fun to stop...

Angels vs demons

Not a happy camper tonight. Work was an uphill struggle today. First four hours of the day were spent running ragged whilst achieving very little. I don't mind being insanely busy as long as it achieves something. 

Instead I achieved very little and am looking at some time in the office this weekend. Still wasn't as bad as Byron's day. He had his end of year review and let's just say it didn't go as well as mine...

We did spend all day exchanging explicit texts with one another. For someone who has spent nearly 2 weeks explaining in excruciating detail how he wants me to suck him off he apparently seriously lacks the will to actually put his cock in my mouth... That's not normal for a guy is it?

I get that he's facing a lot right now. And I really feel for him. Today was a major set back for him professionally and personally. And at the end of it he still went home to the girlfriend. Who in no way will understand what went on today. Who will in all likelihood start another argument about something trivial. 

I understand... Hell I was there today. And apparently (according to him) am smart, beautiful, funny and too nice for my own good. So why does she get to keep him?

Seriously why am I the one all alone tonight?

Dye Another Day

UOh what a truly awful work day. Very disappointed. I was very much hoping for a peaceful week this week. 

Work Bitch was off this morning which generally makes the atmosphere in the office all the more pleasant. However I spent the morning flummoxed trying to do her work as she neglected to mention a major interface overhaul for one of her main software applications. 

Such a pathetic act of passive aggressiveness. I knew she would be off at some point this week as its only the second time she's proactively handed over the latest passwords to her computer. Last time that happened was around her birthday and a mysterious illness on the convenient Friday... 

But still first time she went off work when I started she spent over a week training me (read two days training, three days doing her job for her) and telling me I'd still screw it up. When I proved I could step up and not only do it but do it better than her I now have to deal with attempts to deliberately trip me up. 

Well I did work it put but sadly my day did not improve by her return. Didn't get to focus on my normal work in the afternoon either. Spent too long running around putting out various fires.

I would have preferred an afternoon of fanning the flames with Byron but he was too distracted today. Hope he's ok right now - no joint commute home tonight to check on (and make out with) him. 

So I did the adult move of dyeing my hair to entice him back tomorrow... Wish me luck. 

"It's a girl/boy thing" part 1

Today's title is a joyful way one of my friends once referred to me as. A girl/boy thing. 

To clarify I'm not a girls girl but I'm not a traditional tomboy either. One of the main things is what I like to talk about. 

In public spheres I certainly prefer blokes general banter. Not sports talk though - cant stand that. Hot girls, action films and more hot girls I'll quite happily discuss. I'd rather be with the guys in the office joking around than listening to the relationship dramas of the girls I work with. 

In private I love dirty talk - the more explicit and pornographic the better. I genuinely find it arousing rather than misogynistic. 

I've been enjoying the best of both worlds today. Publicly in the office rating Hollywood actresses. Privately trading sex positions with Byron via text message. Journey home with him was even more explicit. 

See this is what makes Byron one of my best friends ever conversation wise. Respects me at work, has a banter about the incompetence of 3rd party suppliers, trusts me to talk about serious issues that matter to him and then very casually as we walk down the street whisper in my ear in the deepest, sexiest voice you could imagine....

"I want to deep throat you and come in your mouth"

A girly girl would slap him... I whispered back "When?"...

No mans land...

Today has been weird. One message from Byron to my work email. Asking me not to contact him...

God only knows what tomorrow will bring. Byron may be single. Of course the more likely scenario is he isn't. He's so unpredictable at the moment. I'm trying to be sympathetic but he's driving me insane. 

So last week to recap was Monday - never going to happen but still kissing after work. Tuesday no contact. Wednesday no contact. Thursday was promising to be friends. Friday was a heated make out session in the office after hours...

Unpredictable doesn't come close does it?

I'll say one thing. When he likely comes in tomorrow still in a relationship I'm going to be really annoyed I missed another chance for a tumble with Player... So horny at the moment need another body on mine soon...

Self inflicted pain...

Oh my days.... I had way too much to drink last night. 

Out with an old school friend. He's in love with a girl in another country. I'm in my messy situation with Byron. So we decided vodka was the solution to our problems. 

Ending up crashing at his. Nothing happened just sleep. It was nice. 

What was not nice was waking up in the middle of nowhere (ok so London tube zone 3 - but in the North!) and missing a chance to be with Player who unexpectedly started texting me again...

Shame I could have done with a good ride to finish my weekend ...

A London night out

Byron isn't out with me sadly. Last nights kissing and griping session in the office was fun though. 

Blogging from a club right now. Just seen a school friend direct a play. Out now with another school friend. 

This what London is all about right?

Don't blink

Byron is breaking in front of me again. I think it might end within the next few days.

I've promised to stay his friend. He's gotten as far as admitting he needs me that much. 

I know the first thing crazy people say is "I'm not crazy". So what I'm saying is I'm not imagining everything else between us. I've been in those situations before and it's an entirely different feeling of helplessness. 

I don't feel desolate. I've been shocked to my core but I've not cried myself to sleep. It's a case of when not if. I know that. Same way I know tomorrow the sun will rise. 

But until then I can't falter. Byron wants someone as secure and confident as he is. So don't blink. That's the plan. Hold on, be his friend and don't fucking blink. 

Girls night out

Office night out but a girls only one. Bit weird. I forget somedays there are quite a few of us in the office (approximately just over a 1/5 of our total workforce). We're so spread out across the office space it's not often we interacted en masse. 

Not used to female company. Always been happier in the company of my boy mates. Wasn't too bad... Despite work bitch sticking her oar in right at the end of my working day. I just made sure I sat well away from her at the restaurant. 

Byron and I aren't talking. Not as in we've had a fight not talking. As in we can't get anywhere to talk. I'm still terrified. I have this horrible feeling we finally missed our last chance. 

I just feel so alone tonight. 

Testing times

I can't even begin to bring myself to type the full extent with what's happening with Byron. 

I'm terrified at the moment. We came so close to something and now it's all fallen apart so fast. 

And now he's faltering and I'm left standing alone again. 

One step forwards, two steps backwards. 

Speechless

This is all I can say tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHlYe3lbxjI&sns=em 

Holding my breath

So there was some limited communication today. Via email. I sent a genuinely innocent email about sandwiches just to make him smile...

The reply I got was a comment on taking me up about my offers of oral sex... I'm not sure I see the correlation between sandwiches and oral sex (other than the basic rudimentary phallic symbol as it was a baguette)

And then silence again. Can't work out what tomorrow will bring. That he didn't reply because he was busy breaking up with her? Or because he's had his usual panic and run back into her arms?

Will tomorrow be another day of driving each other insane via texts and stealing moments in kitchens and stairwells to kiss? Of will I be forcefully ignored because he "respects me too much" and it's back to not being the right time?

I know he's spent nearly 11 months now blowing hot and cold and it's not right. Only reason I'm sticking around for this is my overwhelming desire to blow him....

Radio silence

No word from Byron today. Thought he was in a more reckless mood than that when we parted yesterday. It's not normal for your boss to leave on a Friday night with the words "I can't wait to taste you"....

Slept most of the day today. Sheer exhaustion from working Sunday through to Friday. Sheer exhaustion of being teased and tormented relentlessly by Byron for two days. 

Mix of vivid dreams of me and Byron in bed and vivid dreams of me and Byron trying to work in the office. Always dream more vividly during daylight hours. But at least the rest has done me some good, I feel calmer than I have done in recent weeks. And some of the dreams have been worth sleeping the day away for. 

I doubt Byron has had a peaceful day. He's either regressed and has spent the day reassuring her and mending his relationship. Or he's spent the day ending it once and for all. 

I hope, even more for his same than mine, it's been the second. The most exhausting thing of all is seeing one of my closest friends twisted beyond all recognition... No amount of sleep helps that. 

Risky business...

So when I posted last night I thought Byron had vanished for the evening but he surprisingly reappeared. The bad behaviour has continued all through the day. Sitting four feet away from each other texting through the day. 

End if the day saw my end of year review. Now children who do you think writes my review? That's it Byron. Best review I've had so far. Getting my years 's bonus. And a raise. 

I know I earned both through nothing but how hard I work in the office. Because I'm secure enough in knowing this I'm quite happy to joke with Byron it's because of our relationship outside of work. 

Which we did. All the way home. Really risky behaviour the whole way. Kissing in the building lifts. On train platforms with colleagues just out of the line of sight. Near enough to his flat and waiting girlfriend. 

I've never wanted anyone as much as I want this guy. And it would appear I'm willing to risk anything to get him into bed...

Bad behaviour revisited

So I stole a candy lollipop for Byron today. Wandered around the office happily sucking away as you do. I am talking about an actual piece of candy here. It is not a euphemism. However did not expect the chain of events to fall into place after though. They would have fitted the cliched euphemism perfectly. 

A whole night of explicit messaging while he worked late at the office. I'm guessing he's home now as the messages have stopped without warning. 

Same pattern repeating itself. Insisting nothing will ever happen. Less than two weeks later back to texts of positions and details of everything we want to do to each other. 

Wonder how tomorrow will go. Especially as its my end of year review tomorrow. Which he will be running. Are we finally going to blow both our careers by saying something stupid? 

Never know. We might actually find out what it is between us. At least we could get on with our lives. This has gone on so so long now. It's not good. For either of us. 

Goodbyes and good lucks

Another colleague left the company today. It's like rats from a sinking ship some months. Hiring people at a rate of knots to plug the gaps. Ignoring the people already there. Who then leave. 

Vicious cycle. Might as well fit a revolving door and complete the comic cliche. 

Byron missed the leaving drinks. So mad at him. He was closer to the colleague than me. Fits a pattern. He moans nobody in the company likes him and then skips the social situations for the girlfriend who he admits is destroying him. 

I'm having one of those moments where I doubt my instincts. No good ever comes from that normally. I very rarely read people wrong. I've been in these situations before. You'd think I'd have figured out what to do by now to make things fall into place. 

Instead I'm drinking way too much gin for a Wednesday....

Friends reunited

I think it's amazing when you meet up with people you haven't seen in years. I think it's even more amazing when you sit together in a bar and strike up a conversation like its been 4 days since you last saw one another and not 4 years. 

Took Byron along with me for one drink to make sure he was ok. "It's not over but it's ending" is the official party line with him. He chatted away quite happily to my Reunited Friend (will come up with a better nickname down the line but RF will have to do for tonight) and then shot off into the night. 

Here's the other amazing thing. When RF turned to me the moment he went out the door and said "And he's not your boyfriend why precisely?". Someone who hasn't seen me in four years and saw me with Byron for all of thirty minutes. And this is their first observation. 

I just wish I had the answer to his question. Would make life a little easier...

Commuting and communicating

Relatively easy day at work today. Only brief time of note was my commute home with Byron. 

He was going home for "a talk". I hope, purely as his friend, that this is the end once and for all with his current relationship. Never seen one person so mentally beaten and twisted. 

I don't know what will happen between us. I'm trying to keep up the level of bravado from the night of my birthday. Seems vaguely sensible with him strangely.

He's so annoyingly self assured I feel I have to match it. In the past I'm the one who has had to be talked into a relationship. This is a whole new ball game I'm trying to find to talk him out of one and into a new one all at the same time. 

The only thing I truly hate about Byron is this. He has managed to list more reasons to date me than all my previous boyfriends combined. Admits he's attracted to me and am more or less exactly what he wants from a girlfriend. 

And yet we're not dating. 

And men have the nerve to call women complicated...

And on the seventh day...

The wicked went to work. 9am start at the office. There till 5pm. Grim

Not as grim as Byron's at least when I got up I had the flat to myself (as everyone else was passed out in their rooms), pottered about and made a nice breakfast. He got an ear bashing from the girlfriend and undoubtedly went home to receive another one at lunchtime. 

I really don't understand people some times. Byron tells me so often how smart, beautiful or wonderful I am. Always naming good qualities in me and occasionally pointing out which of these qualities (i.e. most of them) make me the perfect girlfriend. 

Flip side is stories about how his current girlfriend is twisting him in all directions and generally making him miserable. His grand solution? Quit his job to save his relationship...

How on earth does that make sense? My GCSE Physics teacher once told me "physics works on logic, people rarely so"

I'm staring to think he had a point...

Ouch

Oh Christ I hate being a girl some days. I've spent the day in bed bent double... With period cramps. 

I wish I was one of those girls who turned into a hormonal version of The Hulk naturally. Then I'd have a legitimate reason to act like a bitch once a month and being able to sing song "time of the month" as a get out clause. Generally I'm just a bitch with no get out clause. 

Instead I end up in physical pain myself for the first 24 hours. Its one of those lose-lose situations overall. I may be in pain but I rarely have ridiculous mood swings. 

To get rid of the pain permanently I have to take hormone contraceptives. These get rid of the cramps but turn my moods into something epic. They also kill my sex drive dead. 

I think I'll stick with one day of agony. It's easier than mood swings after all...

Amateurs vs pros

Boys will be boys. And men will eternally act like little boys regardless of advancing years. The men in my office are a nice enough bunch of lads but one can be particularly grating with his jokes. But we still love him and show his this by constantly ripping the piss out of him. 

The result is office banter that veers close to bullying but somehow works in male groups. In a group of women it is spiteful, bitchy and usually results in tears. 

I feel very special to be accepted into these groups. The token girl who can banter as well as the boys and take hits from them without throwing a wobbly. Only thing I don't care to be included on is the sport talk. That ill leave to the boys.

As for the pros of comedy been to a stand up show tonight with my kid brother. The tickets were my birthday present. Hence the late posting - only just got home. 

So amateurs or pros for comedy? I'll stick with my amateur boys for now. Better to feel part of a group than a faceless member of a crowd. Laughter amongst friends is always superior to laughing at a distant stranger on a stage. 

Burn out

Oh god three twelve hour days in a row is not conductive to good mental health. 

It's depressing when you realise at 11am on a Thursday you need to give up part of your weekend to go into the office. It's soul destroying when you remember 30 seconds afterward that thought had already crossed your mind 2pm Monday. 

I get asked a lot why I work as hard as I do. I say it's because it's my nature to do a job to the best of my abilities. 

Truth be told I do it for the kick I get out of knowing how highly it makes Byron think of me. See that's what make the twisted part of our friendship ok to balance. I know all the praise I get at work is for the work I do at my desk. 

Because for all the talk that happens between us I've still not done any work under his desk... Or on it...

Birthday wishes...

Close your eyes. Blow out the candles. Make a wish. 

This is what we did as kids with candles on a cake. I tend to burn candles at night as I don't like electric lights after being in an office all day. So I blow out candles most nights and make a wish. 

Byron managed to deliver on a promise for a change. Birthday drinks. Just us. Ok granted it was only two drinks but that's a remarkable achievement for us at the moment. 

I spent the whole time winding him up about us. What I think (well wish) will happen for us. Some were sensible predictions ("we will sleep with each other at some point no matter what else") some not so sensible ("dear god I dread having to explain to our kids just how stupid their father can be"). All of these sentences were ended with "you cannot tell me off - its my birthday". 

He was surprisingly ok about it. What was surprising was not a single outright "no" passed his lips all night. It was the perfect birthday night. I didn't want him to come back here tonight, the banter was the right pace for us for once. 

See that's the funny thing about wishes. They occasionally come true. 

12 hours day...

No good ever came from getting out of bed at 5am. Especially when you wake up half an hour before the 5am alarm even begins....

Today was a struggle. Epic amounts of work. Without a doubt another 12 hour day tomorrow (that's my birthday for any regular readers out there). And at least one day this weekend. 

Work Bitch struck again though. This is why as a general rule of thumb don't have female friends. I cannot stand the sheer vitriol women feel the need to direct at each other in the workplace. 

This is especially prevalent where one woman is superior to another. Because they feel the need to constantly prove this superiority. 

Work Bitch (and no given her behaviour I feel no hypocrisy about calling her this) does this by marching over to my desk and delivering speeches with one purpose and one only. To humiliate me in front of my other colleagues. Especially male colleagues. 

Went straight to HR about it all. This is my 5th complaint. I don't run from being told off if I've done something wrong. Hell I got a warning email off Byron today for being too casual in the way I spoke to him. 

But I draw the line at being belittled and bullied so one girl can feel smug and superior and ultimately safer in her job. Me being a threat to her work wise does not give her any right to speak to me that way. 

Going to bed now to do it all again tomorrow. 

All work and no play

Urgh... This will be a short one tonight. Am aching I'm so tired. The style of Monday I was dreading last week happened today and looks set to continue for most of the week. 

Alarms should not legally be allowed to be set for 5am....

Still at least I got a personalised shout out from the MD in the company wide email today. Enough to make immediate line manager (not Byron - this is Work Bitch who I shall discuss in detail when I can be bothered to*) turn green around the edges with envy and red in the cheeks with pure hatred. 

See all I have to figure out is how to get her out of her job and Byron into my bed and all will be right with my world. 

Until then g'night folks. 

*by bothered I mean have had enough gin to really unleash my subconscious about Work Bitch...

Silent night...

Oh I wish. The worst part of mid 20s life (aside from the poor paying jobs, family members still trying to treat you as a child and men who jerk you around for their own amusement) has to be flat shares. 

Especially when two different personalities clash. I am relatively conservative for my age I admit. I'm not quite at the stage where I only listen to classical fm and sip sherry in the evenings but I'm not a party all night raver. 

Sadly I'm living with an all night raver. Who smokes copious amounts of weed. Apparently this is how I should be living. I'd be happier if I was more "bohemian". Sorry but no I wouldn't I know that much about myself. 

So a note to my "bohemian", weed smoking, cannot see food remnants on his so called "washed" plates if you ever read this and recognise yourself -

1) you cannot rap in English or in French. You have no sense of rhythm and you've never lived through anything significant to rap about

2) it is not cool to record playings of you rapping when you bring girls back to the flat. 

3) please see a psychiatrist as you clearly have a severe narcissistic personality if you play your own rap music while having sex with these girls. 

Next time he brings a girl over I swear I'm blasting Holst's The Planets at full blast... Starting with Mars to convey my mood. 

Girls Night

So after the hellish week at work I had a much needed, and frankly well deserved, night out with one of my best friends last night. 

If I had come home and posted anything last night it probably would have looked like this:

"Sheesh red wine is bl00dlg AWESOME. I live teh stuff. Magical. Like a round round roundanoyt. Hmmm room is spinning a bit. Think ill just lye Dow and Finnish this...£36?:gmdehdeyoctt~^*~?}"

Yeah so as you can imagine I had a fair whack to drink. Have subsequently spent today firmly in the recovery position on the sofa under a fur blanket. Final cure was administered in the form of beer and pepperoni pizza. 

Either way still not brave enough to check who I text in my drunken stupor last night. Am going to finish this post and resume my position on the sofa to watch Alien. I will keep my phone on loud volume but out of sight. 

Just in case Player decides to text tonight. I wish he would. Funny how I seem to have become more attached to him than the others... Probably not a good thing. 

Misery longing for company

Had a truly awful day at the office today. Just one of those days where you don't stop, struggle and strive for 11 hours and yet get nothing done.  

One person slightly senior making my life more and more difficult with each passing day to make them look better. Byron, superior by virtue of rank if nothing else, promising the world and delivering nothing. 

Rest of the office expecting miracles to occur and for me to do the vast amount of work I have at the same time. Also mandatory staying late tonight. Not the most pleasant way to end the day listening to various dull presentations of grandiose plans to simulate the director's egos. 

Tonight I wish I had someone to come home to. Better yet someone else's home I could go crash at to avoid my flatmates. Obviously speaking about having a boyfriend to go to tonight. 

Just to be able to rant for 15 minutes. A body to be near afterwards and while I sleep. 

Don't have either option open to me tonight. Because I'm stupid enough to only fall for guys who have someone else to begin with. And to these guys I may be good for some fun but never enough to be put first and only. 

Child's play

So according to the news this week you should only be considered an adult when you hit 25 years of age. Not in legal terms that is, just in terms of development as a person. 

This means I have one last week of childhood as I shall be 25 next Wednesday. So how should I spend it?

Playing hopscotch? Swings and ice creams in the park? Watching cartoons and sipping apple juice?

Nope. I get to spend it liaising with engineers and technicians. Eating cereal bars at my desk to keep from fainting when I got 7 hours without food. Dealing with the egos and eccentricities of the people in the business who "do all the work and make all the money" (I work in finance - go figure). 

Well the cartoons and juice are a close approximation. Family Guy is on in ten minutes and I have my ever faithful gin and tonic ;-)

Room for improvement...

Things I am doing to improve my blogging 

* blogging everyday without fail - after all practice makes perfect

* reading blogging tips on the Internet 

* planning things to do in the evenings/weekends so I have something to blog about!

Things I am doing that are not improving my blogging

* continuing my current unhealthy alcohol intake which is probably killing my brain cells and making me sound like a crashing bore most nights

* increasing my chocolate intake which is eventually going to hit my waist line guaranteeing none of the men in my life or potentially one day in my life will fancy me

* reading some of the other spectacular blogs out there and developing a subsequent inferiority complex

Well either way, since I've started writing this all down I feel better about the mess my life normally resembles. So that's something. 

Hanging on the line

So bizarrely my phone has been ringing off the hook tonight. Sadly it's been landlords, plumbers and relations. 

Not Byron with a grovelling apology for his recent behaviour. Not Player with an unsubtle hint about riding him till we're both satisfied. Not even Army Boy to let me know he survived his first week of basic training. 

Still on the upside work wasn't as bad as I feared today. But that's only because someone wandered off with the forms I was meant to type up and they only reappeared as I was wandering out the door and on my way home. 

But that's tomorrow's problem. Tonight's only problem is how much gin it is acceptable to consume on the first day of the week. Think one more glass to ease the mind and soothe my soul. 

Drinking doesn't solve anything... But it does help you forget the question. 

Assuming the brace position

Back at the office tomorrow. I think the worst Sunday nights are not necessarily the ones I spend alone with yet more gin and the new season of Family Guy as my only company. 

It's when you know the Monday ahead of you will be turbulent at best and downright hell at worst. And it's not just the Byron situation. It's knowing in advance the shitstorm of work that awaits me (there was a trade exhibit over the weekend and there will undoubtedly be an avalanche of admin to sort upon their return). 

The Byron situation doesn't help. Especially given my pathological new to have the last word on everything by sending a text 30 seconds after he left me akin on a train Friday which will not have improved his mood or demeanour towards me. 

Oh and I did text Player last night... And got no response as predicted but it still stung a little. Hence buying more gin today with my weekly shop. 

On a final note about gin - I was asked for ID today as I purchased it. Which leads me to only one conclusion. I don't drink enough gin...

Wine stained lips...

Home alone tonight. All the flatmates gone. Alone with my thoughts and a bottle of wine... Red naturally... To keep me comforted and warm. 

Still smarting from Byron's comments yesterday. He's going to be so annoying at the office Monday. No point making contact this weekend. 

Would like to reach out to someone tonight. I don't like clubs which is where most of my friends are. One night with a stranger isn't what I want either. Army boy is well in the army barracks and incommunicado. 

Last option is the Player. But the odds of him replying to messages is slim on a good day. So as much as I'd like to see him tonight I won't make contact. 

Had enough rejection for one weekend. So I consign myself to the wine for the night. 

Long dark night...

Bad night. Bad commute home. With Byron. 

Asked why the texts had stopped. "Bad idea". For him. Apparently us is the worst idea in the world. And it'll never happen because it doesn't make sense in his head. 

Here's the kicker. Every other sentence ended with "at the moment" or "it's not the right time". Veering between it'll never happen and not the right time. 

Bastard. Can't figure out if he's just screwing with me for fun or if his subconscious is fighting with itself.

Part of him wants me. That's undeniable. Question is will it be enough to persuade him to try?

Pain

Byron is winding down. Pushing me away again. 

He must be in the mood to make amends with the girlfriend again. 

It's a spinning cycle. I've now been pushed to the low point. 

Shame the high is such a dizzy rush for me. Otherwise I'd be able to resist. 

Don't feel like writing anything else tonight. Nerves are to raw. Time to numb them with gin. 

Reminiscing...

So like a said Monday was a anniversary of sorts I wasn't looking forward to. 

It should have been the one year anniversary of my engagement. The four year anniversary of that relationship in total. 

I didn't dread this milestone as I'm upset or not over it. I ended the relationship (Byron may or may not have played a role in this...) and I don't regret that. 

I just spent the whole day veering wildly between relief I left when I did and on my terms and feeling like a bitch as I broke someone's heart in doing so. 

No regrets... But despite not feeling guilty over my various recent mistress activities a year on I feel guilty for letting this guy down. 

I hope he found someone who did love him. He was a nice guy. Shame I seem to like bad boys who will break my heart...

Bitten once again...

Byron (formally Bad Boy) has fallen off the radar again so to speak. Still see him at work all day but no messaging today. 

Clearly the moment where he wanted me just wasn't strong enough to maintain or to lead to somewhere more tangible than a few filthy requests via text message....

Still I was expecting it this time and told him as much so not as upset as I've been in the past. Worse things have happened today and are happening right now. 

Reprimanded in front of my colleagues by someone a mere smidgen more senior than me today. I hadn't done anything wrong I just hadn't done it their way and was therefore deserving of a dressing down apparently. That was worse. 

Worse right now is my obnoxious flatmate is in the middle of one of his techno-music fuelled one night stands. I hate techno music on a good day. 

I hate it more after a long day at work when the accompanying soundtrack is some random girl faking her orgasms to it.... 

Playing with fire...

Another day at the office. Another day of explicit messaging with Bad Boy*.

Nearly managed to end his relationship when I sent an email rather than a text. Not the company email, his personal one. His personal one his girlfriend has access to. 

And what did I email him? A list of S&M toys off an adult (reputable) website. Luckily we got to the email first and deleted it. But it was close. 

Close enough for him to be panicking. And that's what's so annoying. All these messages... Plans for hotel rooms... Explicit fantasies. He won't go through with it. Just waiting to see what his excuse will be this time and what mood he'll be in tomorrow...

*I've decided to rename Bad Boy from now on I shall refer to him as Byron. As in Lord Byron. As in "mad, bad and dangerous to know"...

Stormy weather

The heavens opened today for a while in my area of London. Rain doesn't bother me and I don't understand the hysterical reaction it causes in some people. It's only water falling from the skies after all. 

Then again I'm from the Welsh valleys and am more likely to become confused when the weather is dry... But today even for me I felt uneasy. The air seem charged like before a thunderstorm but nothing other than black clouds rolled across the skies. 

Caesar was told to Beware the Ides of March. Pandora was told not to open the box from the gods. I can't help but feeling today was some variety of warning for the week ahead. Tomorrow is a bad anniversary for me anyway regardless of the mood Bad Boy is in. 

Still, look on the bright side. No one has ever forgotten Caesar's name. And at the bottom if all the misery and despair in the box, Pandora found hope.   

Animal behaviour

So in the animal kingdom the more toxic and deadly the venom of an animal the more brightly coloured their skin, scales whatever. 

Dyed my hair this afternoon. Gone a bit rusty in recent weeks. Am now back to my shocking bright red hair. 

But what effect is this going to have on Bad Boy at the office Monday morning? Finally warn him off? Normally it's had more of a Viagra effect on him....

Maybe I should go back to my natural shade. Go back to being in the background rather than altering the world to my presence with a shocking, unnatural hair colour. 

Nah. Where would be the fun in that?

War Games

Seriously melancholy tonight. All the men in my life has caused some level of pain tonight. 

Bad Boy is fighting with his girlfriend. Despite the vast levels of inappropriate that's happen between us on a daily basis he's one of my best friends and its breaking my heart to see this person systematically break him. 

Then there's this other guy I was briefly seeing. We were ok mates who had an upfront agreement to occasionally sleep together but it was not a relationship in any way. There wasn't the chemistry or intensity like there is between me and Bad Boy but I still care about him as a friend. He goes I to the army tomorrow. Phoned tonight to say goodbye. I'm afraid for him. 

The final guy in my life is the Player. The only pain he's caused is not being around to screw so I have something else to think about and a body to be near for a change...

Playing with fire...

Bad Boy and I have still been "flirting" today. We work together, texting from a mere 19 feet apart today. 

He started suggesting a tryst... I've been down this road twice before with him. Always ends badly for me, because we've never really gotten far before he's said stop. I told him I don't trust him to go through with any new plans. 

His response was to express his desire to go down on me... 

I'm so screwed. And still not in the good way. 

Bad behaviour

So there's a guy. He's one of several in my life. See I'm not the best behaved of girls...

This one is particularly bad in so many ways. There's a girlfriend, yet tonight we spent the commute home aggressively flirting. Actually flirting implies a level of ambiguity about what we were discussing - there was no ambiguity about the idea me riding him as soon as he can get away from his girlfriend.

We've come close to getting together before. Sadly for me his conscience has always kicked in before we've moved beyond kissing. And like all bad boys he kisses like a daemon - it's so damn urgent and sexy, a real "I have to have you beneath me NOW" kisser. 

I keep waiting to feel guilty about the relationship I have with this guy. But I just don't. Days like today where I think someone forgot to wire me up correctly...

A surprising day

So the surprising thing about today is... I actually had an alright day. 

No drama. At all. 

No major catastrophe landed on my desk for me to solve. Nobody suddenly needed a new report devised for some obscure niche area of the business. No sudden influx of business requiring me to drop all my work and move about other departments to ease their workloads. 

It's been the dullest day ever at the office. Can't help but think its the calm before a major storm....

Gin as a tonic...

Drinking alcohol never solved anything. That being said drinking milk doesn't exactly solve bad days at the office either...

My job is repetitive when I'm lucky and a whirlpool of madness when I'm not. I work basic admin for a finance company. 

To give you an idea job role requires being the lowest paid, least authoritative person in the company who can be called upon at a moments notice to fix problems, do crappy jobs and otherwise save the backsides of those above them with very little recognition or reward. And woe betide me on the days when all this takes over my actual job and I miss things...

Still someone has to do these jobs. How else would the gin industry survive? Mother's ruin traditionally is tonight my only company. 

Strange beginnings....

Sunday night. Start of a new week. 

In bed alone tonight with a glass of gin and my best friend to keep me company via the medium of Facebook chat. 

So why start a blog alone in bed one Sunday night under the influence of gin? Well For starters I think my darling friend may be losing patience with me complaining about my life to her... In fact in all honesty I'm losing patience with myself. 

So I figured I'd start writing it all down. Make sense of my life, stop existing and start living. 

The sum of my life to this point though? Well it's in the title. Red lips and white lies...