All work and no play

Urgh... This will be a short one tonight. Am aching I'm so tired. The style of Monday I was dreading last week happened today and looks set to continue for most of the week. 

Alarms should not legally be allowed to be set for 5am....

Still at least I got a personalised shout out from the MD in the company wide email today. Enough to make immediate line manager (not Byron - this is Work Bitch who I shall discuss in detail when I can be bothered to*) turn green around the edges with envy and red in the cheeks with pure hatred. 

See all I have to figure out is how to get her out of her job and Byron into my bed and all will be right with my world. 

Until then g'night folks. 

*by bothered I mean have had enough gin to really unleash my subconscious about Work Bitch...

Silent night...

Oh I wish. The worst part of mid 20s life (aside from the poor paying jobs, family members still trying to treat you as a child and men who jerk you around for their own amusement) has to be flat shares. 

Especially when two different personalities clash. I am relatively conservative for my age I admit. I'm not quite at the stage where I only listen to classical fm and sip sherry in the evenings but I'm not a party all night raver. 

Sadly I'm living with an all night raver. Who smokes copious amounts of weed. Apparently this is how I should be living. I'd be happier if I was more "bohemian". Sorry but no I wouldn't I know that much about myself. 

So a note to my "bohemian", weed smoking, cannot see food remnants on his so called "washed" plates if you ever read this and recognise yourself -

1) you cannot rap in English or in French. You have no sense of rhythm and you've never lived through anything significant to rap about

2) it is not cool to record playings of you rapping when you bring girls back to the flat. 

3) please see a psychiatrist as you clearly have a severe narcissistic personality if you play your own rap music while having sex with these girls. 

Next time he brings a girl over I swear I'm blasting Holst's The Planets at full blast... Starting with Mars to convey my mood. 

Girls Night

So after the hellish week at work I had a much needed, and frankly well deserved, night out with one of my best friends last night. 

If I had come home and posted anything last night it probably would have looked like this:

"Sheesh red wine is bl00dlg AWESOME. I live teh stuff. Magical. Like a round round roundanoyt. Hmmm room is spinning a bit. Think ill just lye Dow and Finnish this...£36?:gmdehdeyoctt~^*~?}"

Yeah so as you can imagine I had a fair whack to drink. Have subsequently spent today firmly in the recovery position on the sofa under a fur blanket. Final cure was administered in the form of beer and pepperoni pizza. 

Either way still not brave enough to check who I text in my drunken stupor last night. Am going to finish this post and resume my position on the sofa to watch Alien. I will keep my phone on loud volume but out of sight. 

Just in case Player decides to text tonight. I wish he would. Funny how I seem to have become more attached to him than the others... Probably not a good thing. 

Misery longing for company

Had a truly awful day at the office today. Just one of those days where you don't stop, struggle and strive for 11 hours and yet get nothing done.  

One person slightly senior making my life more and more difficult with each passing day to make them look better. Byron, superior by virtue of rank if nothing else, promising the world and delivering nothing. 

Rest of the office expecting miracles to occur and for me to do the vast amount of work I have at the same time. Also mandatory staying late tonight. Not the most pleasant way to end the day listening to various dull presentations of grandiose plans to simulate the director's egos. 

Tonight I wish I had someone to come home to. Better yet someone else's home I could go crash at to avoid my flatmates. Obviously speaking about having a boyfriend to go to tonight. 

Just to be able to rant for 15 minutes. A body to be near afterwards and while I sleep. 

Don't have either option open to me tonight. Because I'm stupid enough to only fall for guys who have someone else to begin with. And to these guys I may be good for some fun but never enough to be put first and only. 

Child's play

So according to the news this week you should only be considered an adult when you hit 25 years of age. Not in legal terms that is, just in terms of development as a person. 

This means I have one last week of childhood as I shall be 25 next Wednesday. So how should I spend it?

Playing hopscotch? Swings and ice creams in the park? Watching cartoons and sipping apple juice?

Nope. I get to spend it liaising with engineers and technicians. Eating cereal bars at my desk to keep from fainting when I got 7 hours without food. Dealing with the egos and eccentricities of the people in the business who "do all the work and make all the money" (I work in finance - go figure). 

Well the cartoons and juice are a close approximation. Family Guy is on in ten minutes and I have my ever faithful gin and tonic ;-)

Room for improvement...

Things I am doing to improve my blogging 

* blogging everyday without fail - after all practice makes perfect

* reading blogging tips on the Internet 

* planning things to do in the evenings/weekends so I have something to blog about!

Things I am doing that are not improving my blogging

* continuing my current unhealthy alcohol intake which is probably killing my brain cells and making me sound like a crashing bore most nights

* increasing my chocolate intake which is eventually going to hit my waist line guaranteeing none of the men in my life or potentially one day in my life will fancy me

* reading some of the other spectacular blogs out there and developing a subsequent inferiority complex

Well either way, since I've started writing this all down I feel better about the mess my life normally resembles. So that's something. 

Hanging on the line

So bizarrely my phone has been ringing off the hook tonight. Sadly it's been landlords, plumbers and relations. 

Not Byron with a grovelling apology for his recent behaviour. Not Player with an unsubtle hint about riding him till we're both satisfied. Not even Army Boy to let me know he survived his first week of basic training. 

Still on the upside work wasn't as bad as I feared today. But that's only because someone wandered off with the forms I was meant to type up and they only reappeared as I was wandering out the door and on my way home. 

But that's tomorrow's problem. Tonight's only problem is how much gin it is acceptable to consume on the first day of the week. Think one more glass to ease the mind and soothe my soul. 

Drinking doesn't solve anything... But it does help you forget the question. 

Assuming the brace position

Back at the office tomorrow. I think the worst Sunday nights are not necessarily the ones I spend alone with yet more gin and the new season of Family Guy as my only company. 

It's when you know the Monday ahead of you will be turbulent at best and downright hell at worst. And it's not just the Byron situation. It's knowing in advance the shitstorm of work that awaits me (there was a trade exhibit over the weekend and there will undoubtedly be an avalanche of admin to sort upon their return). 

The Byron situation doesn't help. Especially given my pathological new to have the last word on everything by sending a text 30 seconds after he left me akin on a train Friday which will not have improved his mood or demeanour towards me. 

Oh and I did text Player last night... And got no response as predicted but it still stung a little. Hence buying more gin today with my weekly shop. 

On a final note about gin - I was asked for ID today as I purchased it. Which leads me to only one conclusion. I don't drink enough gin...

Wine stained lips...

Home alone tonight. All the flatmates gone. Alone with my thoughts and a bottle of wine... Red naturally... To keep me comforted and warm. 

Still smarting from Byron's comments yesterday. He's going to be so annoying at the office Monday. No point making contact this weekend. 

Would like to reach out to someone tonight. I don't like clubs which is where most of my friends are. One night with a stranger isn't what I want either. Army boy is well in the army barracks and incommunicado. 

Last option is the Player. But the odds of him replying to messages is slim on a good day. So as much as I'd like to see him tonight I won't make contact. 

Had enough rejection for one weekend. So I consign myself to the wine for the night. 

Long dark night...

Bad night. Bad commute home. With Byron. 

Asked why the texts had stopped. "Bad idea". For him. Apparently us is the worst idea in the world. And it'll never happen because it doesn't make sense in his head. 

Here's the kicker. Every other sentence ended with "at the moment" or "it's not the right time". Veering between it'll never happen and not the right time. 

Bastard. Can't figure out if he's just screwing with me for fun or if his subconscious is fighting with itself.

Part of him wants me. That's undeniable. Question is will it be enough to persuade him to try?

Pain

Byron is winding down. Pushing me away again. 

He must be in the mood to make amends with the girlfriend again. 

It's a spinning cycle. I've now been pushed to the low point. 

Shame the high is such a dizzy rush for me. Otherwise I'd be able to resist. 

Don't feel like writing anything else tonight. Nerves are to raw. Time to numb them with gin. 

Reminiscing...

So like a said Monday was a anniversary of sorts I wasn't looking forward to. 

It should have been the one year anniversary of my engagement. The four year anniversary of that relationship in total. 

I didn't dread this milestone as I'm upset or not over it. I ended the relationship (Byron may or may not have played a role in this...) and I don't regret that. 

I just spent the whole day veering wildly between relief I left when I did and on my terms and feeling like a bitch as I broke someone's heart in doing so. 

No regrets... But despite not feeling guilty over my various recent mistress activities a year on I feel guilty for letting this guy down. 

I hope he found someone who did love him. He was a nice guy. Shame I seem to like bad boys who will break my heart...

Bitten once again...

Byron (formally Bad Boy) has fallen off the radar again so to speak. Still see him at work all day but no messaging today. 

Clearly the moment where he wanted me just wasn't strong enough to maintain or to lead to somewhere more tangible than a few filthy requests via text message....

Still I was expecting it this time and told him as much so not as upset as I've been in the past. Worse things have happened today and are happening right now. 

Reprimanded in front of my colleagues by someone a mere smidgen more senior than me today. I hadn't done anything wrong I just hadn't done it their way and was therefore deserving of a dressing down apparently. That was worse. 

Worse right now is my obnoxious flatmate is in the middle of one of his techno-music fuelled one night stands. I hate techno music on a good day. 

I hate it more after a long day at work when the accompanying soundtrack is some random girl faking her orgasms to it.... 

Playing with fire...

Another day at the office. Another day of explicit messaging with Bad Boy*.

Nearly managed to end his relationship when I sent an email rather than a text. Not the company email, his personal one. His personal one his girlfriend has access to. 

And what did I email him? A list of S&M toys off an adult (reputable) website. Luckily we got to the email first and deleted it. But it was close. 

Close enough for him to be panicking. And that's what's so annoying. All these messages... Plans for hotel rooms... Explicit fantasies. He won't go through with it. Just waiting to see what his excuse will be this time and what mood he'll be in tomorrow...

*I've decided to rename Bad Boy from now on I shall refer to him as Byron. As in Lord Byron. As in "mad, bad and dangerous to know"...

Stormy weather

The heavens opened today for a while in my area of London. Rain doesn't bother me and I don't understand the hysterical reaction it causes in some people. It's only water falling from the skies after all. 

Then again I'm from the Welsh valleys and am more likely to become confused when the weather is dry... But today even for me I felt uneasy. The air seem charged like before a thunderstorm but nothing other than black clouds rolled across the skies. 

Caesar was told to Beware the Ides of March. Pandora was told not to open the box from the gods. I can't help but feeling today was some variety of warning for the week ahead. Tomorrow is a bad anniversary for me anyway regardless of the mood Bad Boy is in. 

Still, look on the bright side. No one has ever forgotten Caesar's name. And at the bottom if all the misery and despair in the box, Pandora found hope.   

Animal behaviour

So in the animal kingdom the more toxic and deadly the venom of an animal the more brightly coloured their skin, scales whatever. 

Dyed my hair this afternoon. Gone a bit rusty in recent weeks. Am now back to my shocking bright red hair. 

But what effect is this going to have on Bad Boy at the office Monday morning? Finally warn him off? Normally it's had more of a Viagra effect on him....

Maybe I should go back to my natural shade. Go back to being in the background rather than altering the world to my presence with a shocking, unnatural hair colour. 

Nah. Where would be the fun in that?

War Games

Seriously melancholy tonight. All the men in my life has caused some level of pain tonight. 

Bad Boy is fighting with his girlfriend. Despite the vast levels of inappropriate that's happen between us on a daily basis he's one of my best friends and its breaking my heart to see this person systematically break him. 

Then there's this other guy I was briefly seeing. We were ok mates who had an upfront agreement to occasionally sleep together but it was not a relationship in any way. There wasn't the chemistry or intensity like there is between me and Bad Boy but I still care about him as a friend. He goes I to the army tomorrow. Phoned tonight to say goodbye. I'm afraid for him. 

The final guy in my life is the Player. The only pain he's caused is not being around to screw so I have something else to think about and a body to be near for a change...

Playing with fire...

Bad Boy and I have still been "flirting" today. We work together, texting from a mere 19 feet apart today. 

He started suggesting a tryst... I've been down this road twice before with him. Always ends badly for me, because we've never really gotten far before he's said stop. I told him I don't trust him to go through with any new plans. 

His response was to express his desire to go down on me... 

I'm so screwed. And still not in the good way. 

Bad behaviour

So there's a guy. He's one of several in my life. See I'm not the best behaved of girls...

This one is particularly bad in so many ways. There's a girlfriend, yet tonight we spent the commute home aggressively flirting. Actually flirting implies a level of ambiguity about what we were discussing - there was no ambiguity about the idea me riding him as soon as he can get away from his girlfriend.

We've come close to getting together before. Sadly for me his conscience has always kicked in before we've moved beyond kissing. And like all bad boys he kisses like a daemon - it's so damn urgent and sexy, a real "I have to have you beneath me NOW" kisser. 

I keep waiting to feel guilty about the relationship I have with this guy. But I just don't. Days like today where I think someone forgot to wire me up correctly...

A surprising day

So the surprising thing about today is... I actually had an alright day. 

No drama. At all. 

No major catastrophe landed on my desk for me to solve. Nobody suddenly needed a new report devised for some obscure niche area of the business. No sudden influx of business requiring me to drop all my work and move about other departments to ease their workloads. 

It's been the dullest day ever at the office. Can't help but think its the calm before a major storm....

Gin as a tonic...

Drinking alcohol never solved anything. That being said drinking milk doesn't exactly solve bad days at the office either...

My job is repetitive when I'm lucky and a whirlpool of madness when I'm not. I work basic admin for a finance company. 

To give you an idea job role requires being the lowest paid, least authoritative person in the company who can be called upon at a moments notice to fix problems, do crappy jobs and otherwise save the backsides of those above them with very little recognition or reward. And woe betide me on the days when all this takes over my actual job and I miss things...

Still someone has to do these jobs. How else would the gin industry survive? Mother's ruin traditionally is tonight my only company. 

Strange beginnings....

Sunday night. Start of a new week. 

In bed alone tonight with a glass of gin and my best friend to keep me company via the medium of Facebook chat. 

So why start a blog alone in bed one Sunday night under the influence of gin? Well For starters I think my darling friend may be losing patience with me complaining about my life to her... In fact in all honesty I'm losing patience with myself. 

So I figured I'd start writing it all down. Make sense of my life, stop existing and start living. 

The sum of my life to this point though? Well it's in the title. Red lips and white lies...