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31 Oct 2013

Reset. Reboot. Restart.

Oh today was weird. After last night's fight it took my and Byron a while to readjust. 

Weird day in general in the office. Filming footage for a corporate promotion film. Grim. One thing today has proved is being on TV is never going to be an option for me. 

A camera right in my face at my desk. While I'm trying to work as if nothing is happening. I dread what my facial expression was. And to think I thought the most awkward thing about my job was trying to discreetly dirty text Byron from my desk...

Commute home was the moment Byron and I dragged ourselves back onto our normal wavelength. Just laughing and joking. Only serious point was me telling him I'm going to pretend last night didn't happen and I expect him to do the same. 

And also that us not being together is the most stupid thing he's ever said. Mostly because this is the 5th time he's said this but always comes back to me. 

Last words were a joke about "getting off together" on the tube. I think in the long run we'll be fine. In the short term however I think I'm still in for a rough ride. 

30 Oct 2013

Excruciating pain...

Awful night. Really bad. Things have been weird this week with Byron, he's barely even looked at me this week let alone spoken. Complete shutdown. 

Lost it with him a bit tonight and the text messages that followed were the most horrifically cold words he's even written to me. 

Culminating in the statement we will never be together. 

Earlier I was upset. Now I'm just fucking angry. I refuse to believe I've imagined the last 10 months of our lives. To be honest if my imagination was that good I wouldn't be working my crappy job. I'd be writing novels and out selling JK Rowling and Helen Fielding combined. 

I'm not going to do anything crazy or stupid. I AM going to tear a strip off him tomorrow. How dare he push me till I snap again. It's a very clear defence - making me seem as crazy as his girlfriend. Gives him all too good an excuse to run and hide. 

29 Oct 2013

Y Plan? It's only makes God laugh...

Der mentsh trakht un Got lakht

Yiddish - man plans. God laughs. 

Funny the things you remember from school days. So while I supposedly planning and waiting for some fictional life with Byron I actually went out and lived for the night. 

The life I've always planned while living in London. Spontaneously going to the theatre and grabbing a late tube home with take out. Fortunately there's an app for that - Y Plan*. Yesterday booked a quick and easy virtual ticket and off I went. I fear this app will put quite a dent in my (limited) disposable income but I sense it will be worth it. Big shout out to these guys - they deserve it. Second shout out for Noodle Stop at Leicester Sq for supplying me with BBQ chicken and rice to sustain me on the way home. 

Granted the play I chose turned out a no holds barred emotional roller coaster with some very disturbing sound effects which left me hanging onto my wine for dear life. But still this is the life I always wanted. 

All that's missing is someone to share it with. Whether that's Byron or not remains to be seen...

*disclaimer I have not been payed to endorse/advertise/wax lyrical about Y Plan. It's my personal experience/opinion of using this app. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

28 Oct 2013

About face

Well the storm hit and rattled me to the core. Idiot French flatmate left his windows open and his bedroom door nearly came of the hinges swinging back and forth... I'm hoping if I keep acting a total bitch towards him he will more out sooner rather than later... Easy enough to do I just keep asking him to pay his share of the bills. 

Byron had a calmer weekend. Too calm. They got along this weekend. So no naughtiness today. True to form this. As soon as we're getting close (and I don't mean the bus shenanigans I mean emotionally close) he magically has a peaceful weekend with her and we take another step back. 

Of course the psyche of the fact they're going away next week has nothing to do with it I'm sure...

I'm getting really frustrated with this. In a benevolent mood I tell myself he's confused, in a very bad situation and (by his own admission last Friday) scared of screwing things up any further. 

But tonight I'm in a mood as black as the clouds that rolled across Great Britain last night. Tonight he has more faces than Janus. Tonight he would deserve me turning up at his place to announce to his girlfriend all that has passed between us in the last 11 months (that's one month less than they've been together). But I know as my friend he would never forgive me for such an act and I couldn't live with that. 

And after all patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait. And in all likelihood this weekend has been a mere cessation of hostilities between them, not the end of the war. 

27 Oct 2013

Any port in a storm

Oh I hate Sundays. I really do. 

Firstly I dragged myself into the office (using Byron's key) to clear up some annoying admin work. I did this at the cost of my own admin work at home. 

Admin stuff I really need to do includes 

* tidy room which currently looks like a bomb exploded in H&M

* food shopping for actual ingredients to cook a meal, not buy more ready meals out of exhaustion 

* tidy my room

* archive previous blog posts so they're not lost and general work on blog as well

* seriously need to tidy my room

* tidy computer hard drive

* seriously TIDY MY FUCKING ROOM... Ffs I'm 25 and could currently put the average 15 year old to shame...

So all the above needs doing to get halfway to organising my life. Tomorrow is the start of yet another week of merry-go-rounds with Byron no doubt. Wonder how sorting his life is going. 

Epic storms brewing both indoors and outdoors for both of us no doubt. Still as bad as my room is I still think its a better port of call for Byron than the emotional mess of his home life. 

Question is what will the level of destruction be... And more importantly will enough wreckage survive to build something storm proof afterwards?

26 Oct 2013

Smart phone? More like Smart Bomb

So I've been dwelling today on one of the points Byron and I had a healthy discussion about last night. And I say healthy discussion as arguments are something he has with girlfriend which result in shouting, tears and recriminations. 

Byron has asserted all girls are some level of crazy. And that when were emotionally involved we run the risk of doing crazy things. Byron is afraid I will do something crazy and unleash hell unto his existence if things fail between us. 

I actually realised today I could do that very easily if I wanted to. Now before I go any further I have no intention of ever going through with this - it's just the easiest, first plan I thought of. 

Byron and the girlfriend live together currently. Byron's girlfriend lives in fear of him cheating (she has a point there - see last nights blog post) so routinely goes through his phone and emails (Byron may have a point about crazy women). 

Needless to say anything I text Byron and vice versa is deleted... From his phone. Mine is perfectly intact from last December when this all began. Even when he changed his phone number. 

Add in my email accounts and every blog post I've ever written on the very same phone and I have the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb in my hand. 

So a girlfriend who I know where she lives. And Byron who I know works late. Byron's right it would be terrifyingly easy for me to turn up at their flat, hand her my phone and in all likelihood destroy their relationship once and for all. 

I'm glad I'm in more control of myself. Byron may have a point about the craziness of women. For his sake he'd better hope I know my own mind enough never to do something like that to him...

25 Oct 2013

Voyage of the Damned

You know you're onto a winning outfit when your taken boss has one look at you in it and announces 

"Well I'm going straight to hell"

Definitely a winning outfit. Ankle length skirts look perfectly respectable from the front... Side on the thigh high splits on both legs certainly gave Byron something to think about. 

As I previously mentioned, many eons ago, I work for a financial company. And today was bonus day in our company so Byron and I headed for celebratory drinks. 

Conversation had two settings. Setting One the dirty details of what we want to do to each other. Setting Two serious emotional implications of going though with Setting One. 

In a brief summary Byron has admitted he's afraid/unsure we could make things work. I told him he was an idiot. Repeat 4 times then discuss blow jobs then reverse. 

Finale of the night though was making use of the thigh high splits in my skirt. One convenient coat over my lap on the bus and Byron very effectively slipped his hand between my legs and rubbed my clit until I came. 

Managed to keep from screaming. Think we were discreet enough to get away with it. Although to be honest I couldn't care less who knew. It was too much fun to stop...

24 Oct 2013

Angels vs demons

Not a happy camper tonight. Work was an uphill struggle today. First four hours of the day were spent running ragged whilst achieving very little. I don't mind being insanely busy as long as it achieves something. 

Instead I achieved very little and am looking at some time in the office this weekend. Still wasn't as bad as Byron's day. He had his end of year review and let's just say it didn't go as well as mine...

We did spend all day exchanging explicit texts with one another. For someone who has spent nearly 2 weeks explaining in excruciating detail how he wants me to suck him off he apparently seriously lacks the will to actually put his cock in my mouth... That's not normal for a guy is it?

I get that he's facing a lot right now. And I really feel for him. Today was a major set back for him professionally and personally. And at the end of it he still went home to the girlfriend. Who in no way will understand what went on today. Who will in all likelihood start another argument about something trivial. 

I understand... Hell I was there today. And apparently (according to him) am smart, beautiful, funny and too nice for my own good. So why does she get to keep him?

Seriously why am I the one all alone tonight?

23 Oct 2013

Dye Another Day

UOh what a truly awful work day. Very disappointed. I was very much hoping for a peaceful week this week. 

Work Bitch was off this morning which generally makes the atmosphere in the office all the more pleasant. However I spent the morning flummoxed trying to do her work as she neglected to mention a major interface overhaul for one of her main software applications. 

Such a pathetic act of passive aggressiveness. I knew she would be off at some point this week as its only the second time she's proactively handed over the latest passwords to her computer. Last time that happened was around her birthday and a mysterious illness on the convenient Friday... 

But still first time she went off work when I started she spent over a week training me (read two days training, three days doing her job for her) and telling me I'd still screw it up. When I proved I could step up and not only do it but do it better than her I now have to deal with attempts to deliberately trip me up. 

Well I did work it put but sadly my day did not improve by her return. Didn't get to focus on my normal work in the afternoon either. Spent too long running around putting out various fires.

I would have preferred an afternoon of fanning the flames with Byron but he was too distracted today. Hope he's ok right now - no joint commute home tonight to check on (and make out with) him. 

So I did the adult move of dyeing my hair to entice him back tomorrow... Wish me luck. 

22 Oct 2013

"It's a girl/boy thing" part 1

Today's title is a joyful way one of my friends once referred to me as. A girl/boy thing. 

To clarify I'm not a girls girl but I'm not a traditional tomboy either. One of the main things is what I like to talk about. 

In public spheres I certainly prefer blokes general banter. Not sports talk though - cant stand that. Hot girls, action films and more hot girls I'll quite happily discuss. I'd rather be with the guys in the office joking around than listening to the relationship dramas of the girls I work with. 

In private I love dirty talk - the more explicit and pornographic the better. I genuinely find it arousing rather than misogynistic. 

I've been enjoying the best of both worlds today. Publicly in the office rating Hollywood actresses. Privately trading sex positions with Byron via text message. Journey home with him was even more explicit. 

See this is what makes Byron one of my best friends ever conversation wise. Respects me at work, has a banter about the incompetence of 3rd party suppliers, trusts me to talk about serious issues that matter to him and then very casually as we walk down the street whisper in my ear in the deepest, sexiest voice you could imagine....

"I want to deep throat you and come in your mouth"

A girly girl would slap him... I whispered back "When?"...

21 Oct 2013

No mans land...

Today has been weird. One message from Byron to my work email. Asking me not to contact him...

God only knows what tomorrow will bring. Byron may be single. Of course the more likely scenario is he isn't. He's so unpredictable at the moment. I'm trying to be sympathetic but he's driving me insane. 

So last week to recap was Monday - never going to happen but still kissing after work. Tuesday no contact. Wednesday no contact. Thursday was promising to be friends. Friday was a heated make out session in the office after hours...

Unpredictable doesn't come close does it?

I'll say one thing. When he likely comes in tomorrow still in a relationship I'm going to be really annoyed I missed another chance for a tumble with Player... So horny at the moment need another body on mine soon...

20 Oct 2013

Self inflicted pain...

Oh my days.... I had way too much to drink last night. 

Out with an old school friend. He's in love with a girl in another country. I'm in my messy situation with Byron. So we decided vodka was the solution to our problems. 

Ending up crashing at his. Nothing happened just sleep. It was nice. 

What was not nice was waking up in the middle of nowhere (ok so London tube zone 3 - but in the North!) and missing a chance to be with Player who unexpectedly started texting me again...

Shame I could have done with a good ride to finish my weekend ...

19 Oct 2013

A London night out

Byron isn't out with me sadly. Last nights kissing and griping session in the office was fun though. 

Blogging from a club right now. Just seen a school friend direct a play. Out now with another school friend. 

This what London is all about right?

17 Oct 2013

Don't blink

Byron is breaking in front of me again. I think it might end within the next few days.

I've promised to stay his friend. He's gotten as far as admitting he needs me that much. 

I know the first thing crazy people say is "I'm not crazy". So what I'm saying is I'm not imagining everything else between us. I've been in those situations before and it's an entirely different feeling of helplessness. 

I don't feel desolate. I've been shocked to my core but I've not cried myself to sleep. It's a case of when not if. I know that. Same way I know tomorrow the sun will rise. 

But until then I can't falter. Byron wants someone as secure and confident as he is. So don't blink. That's the plan. Hold on, be his friend and don't fucking blink. 

16 Oct 2013

Girls night out

Office night out but a girls only one. Bit weird. I forget somedays there are quite a few of us in the office (approximately just over a 1/5 of our total workforce). We're so spread out across the office space it's not often we interacted en masse. 

Not used to female company. Always been happier in the company of my boy mates. Wasn't too bad... Despite work bitch sticking her oar in right at the end of my working day. I just made sure I sat well away from her at the restaurant. 

Byron and I aren't talking. Not as in we've had a fight not talking. As in we can't get anywhere to talk. I'm still terrified. I have this horrible feeling we finally missed our last chance. 

I just feel so alone tonight. 

15 Oct 2013

Testing times

I can't even begin to bring myself to type the full extent with what's happening with Byron. 

I'm terrified at the moment. We came so close to something and now it's all fallen apart so fast. 

And now he's faltering and I'm left standing alone again. 

One step forwards, two steps backwards. 

13 Oct 2013

Holding my breath

So there was some limited communication today. Via email. I sent a genuinely innocent email about sandwiches just to make him smile...

The reply I got was a comment on taking me up about my offers of oral sex... I'm not sure I see the correlation between sandwiches and oral sex (other than the basic rudimentary phallic symbol as it was a baguette)

And then silence again. Can't work out what tomorrow will bring. That he didn't reply because he was busy breaking up with her? Or because he's had his usual panic and run back into her arms?

Will tomorrow be another day of driving each other insane via texts and stealing moments in kitchens and stairwells to kiss? Of will I be forcefully ignored because he "respects me too much" and it's back to not being the right time?

I know he's spent nearly 11 months now blowing hot and cold and it's not right. Only reason I'm sticking around for this is my overwhelming desire to blow him....

12 Oct 2013

Radio silence

No word from Byron today. Thought he was in a more reckless mood than that when we parted yesterday. It's not normal for your boss to leave on a Friday night with the words "I can't wait to taste you"....

Slept most of the day today. Sheer exhaustion from working Sunday through to Friday. Sheer exhaustion of being teased and tormented relentlessly by Byron for two days. 

Mix of vivid dreams of me and Byron in bed and vivid dreams of me and Byron trying to work in the office. Always dream more vividly during daylight hours. But at least the rest has done me some good, I feel calmer than I have done in recent weeks. And some of the dreams have been worth sleeping the day away for. 

I doubt Byron has had a peaceful day. He's either regressed and has spent the day reassuring her and mending his relationship. Or he's spent the day ending it once and for all. 

I hope, even more for his same than mine, it's been the second. The most exhausting thing of all is seeing one of my closest friends twisted beyond all recognition... No amount of sleep helps that. 


11 Oct 2013

Risky business...

So when I posted last night I thought Byron had vanished for the evening but he surprisingly reappeared. The bad behaviour has continued all through the day. Sitting four feet away from each other texting through the day. 

End if the day saw my end of year review. Now children who do you think writes my review? That's it Byron. Best review I've had so far. Getting my years 's bonus. And a raise. 

I know I earned both through nothing but how hard I work in the office. Because I'm secure enough in knowing this I'm quite happy to joke with Byron it's because of our relationship outside of work. 

Which we did. All the way home. Really risky behaviour the whole way. Kissing in the building lifts. On train platforms with colleagues just out of the line of sight. Near enough to his flat and waiting girlfriend. 

I've never wanted anyone as much as I want this guy. And it would appear I'm willing to risk anything to get him into bed...

10 Oct 2013

Bad behaviour revisited

So I stole a candy lollipop for Byron today. Wandered around the office happily sucking away as you do. I am talking about an actual piece of candy here. It is not a euphemism. However did not expect the chain of events to fall into place after though. They would have fitted the cliched euphemism perfectly. 

A whole night of explicit messaging while he worked late at the office. I'm guessing he's home now as the messages have stopped without warning. 

Same pattern repeating itself. Insisting nothing will ever happen. Less than two weeks later back to texts of positions and details of everything we want to do to each other. 

Wonder how tomorrow will go. Especially as its my end of year review tomorrow. Which he will be running. Are we finally going to blow both our careers by saying something stupid? 

Never know. We might actually find out what it is between us. At least we could get on with our lives. This has gone on so so long now. It's not good. For either of us. 

9 Oct 2013

Goodbyes and good lucks

Another colleague left the company today. It's like rats from a sinking ship some months. Hiring people at a rate of knots to plug the gaps. Ignoring the people already there. Who then leave. 

Vicious cycle. Might as well fit a revolving door and complete the comic cliche. 

Byron missed the leaving drinks. So mad at him. He was closer to the colleague than me. Fits a pattern. He moans nobody in the company likes him and then skips the social situations for the girlfriend who he admits is destroying him. 

I'm having one of those moments where I doubt my instincts. No good ever comes from that normally. I very rarely read people wrong. I've been in these situations before. You'd think I'd have figured out what to do by now to make things fall into place. 

Instead I'm drinking way too much gin for a Wednesday....

8 Oct 2013

Friends reunited

I think it's amazing when you meet up with people you haven't seen in years. I think it's even more amazing when you sit together in a bar and strike up a conversation like its been 4 days since you last saw one another and not 4 years. 

Took Byron along with me for one drink to make sure he was ok. "It's not over but it's ending" is the official party line with him. He chatted away quite happily to my Reunited Friend (will come up with a better nickname down the line but RF will have to do for tonight) and then shot off into the night. 

Here's the other amazing thing. When RF turned to me the moment he went out the door and said "And he's not your boyfriend why precisely?". Someone who hasn't seen me in four years and saw me with Byron for all of thirty minutes. And this is their first observation. 

I just wish I had the answer to his question. Would make life a little easier...

7 Oct 2013

Commuting and communicating

Relatively easy day at work today. Only brief time of note was my commute home with Byron. 

He was going home for "a talk". I hope, purely as his friend, that this is the end once and for all with his current relationship. Never seen one person so mentally beaten and twisted. 

I don't know what will happen between us. I'm trying to keep up the level of bravado from the night of my birthday. Seems vaguely sensible with him strangely.

He's so annoyingly self assured I feel I have to match it. In the past I'm the one who has had to be talked into a relationship. This is a whole new ball game I'm trying to find to talk him out of one and into a new one all at the same time. 

The only thing I truly hate about Byron is this. He has managed to list more reasons to date me than all my previous boyfriends combined. Admits he's attracted to me and am more or less exactly what he wants from a girlfriend. 

And yet we're not dating. 

And men have the nerve to call women complicated...

6 Oct 2013

And on the seventh day...

The wicked went to work. 9am start at the office. There till 5pm. Grim

Not as grim as Byron's at least when I got up I had the flat to myself (as everyone else was passed out in their rooms), pottered about and made a nice breakfast. He got an ear bashing from the girlfriend and undoubtedly went home to receive another one at lunchtime. 

I really don't understand people some times. Byron tells me so often how smart, beautiful or wonderful I am. Always naming good qualities in me and occasionally pointing out which of these qualities (i.e. most of them) make me the perfect girlfriend. 

Flip side is stories about how his current girlfriend is twisting him in all directions and generally making him miserable. His grand solution? Quit his job to save his relationship...

How on earth does that make sense? My GCSE Physics teacher once told me "physics works on logic, people rarely so"

I'm staring to think he had a point...

Ouch

Oh Christ I hate being a girl some days. I've spent the day in bed bent double... With period cramps. 

I wish I was one of those girls who turned into a hormonal version of The Hulk naturally. Then I'd have a legitimate reason to act like a bitch once a month and being able to sing song "time of the month" as a get out clause. Generally I'm just a bitch with no get out clause. 

Instead I end up in physical pain myself for the first 24 hours. Its one of those lose-lose situations overall. I may be in pain but I rarely have ridiculous mood swings. 

To get rid of the pain permanently I have to take hormone contraceptives. These get rid of the cramps but turn my moods into something epic. They also kill my sex drive dead. 

I think I'll stick with one day of agony. It's easier than mood swings after all...

4 Oct 2013

Amateurs vs pros

Boys will be boys. And men will eternally act like little boys regardless of advancing years. The men in my office are a nice enough bunch of lads but one can be particularly grating with his jokes. But we still love him and show his this by constantly ripping the piss out of him. 

The result is office banter that veers close to bullying but somehow works in male groups. In a group of women it is spiteful, bitchy and usually results in tears. 

I feel very special to be accepted into these groups. The token girl who can banter as well as the boys and take hits from them without throwing a wobbly. Only thing I don't care to be included on is the sport talk. That ill leave to the boys.

As for the pros of comedy been to a stand up show tonight with my kid brother. The tickets were my birthday present. Hence the late posting - only just got home. 

So amateurs or pros for comedy? I'll stick with my amateur boys for now. Better to feel part of a group than a faceless member of a crowd. Laughter amongst friends is always superior to laughing at a distant stranger on a stage. 

3 Oct 2013

Burn out

Oh god three twelve hour days in a row is not conductive to good mental health. 

It's depressing when you realise at 11am on a Thursday you need to give up part of your weekend to go into the office. It's soul destroying when you remember 30 seconds afterward that thought had already crossed your mind 2pm Monday. 

I get asked a lot why I work as hard as I do. I say it's because it's my nature to do a job to the best of my abilities. 

Truth be told I do it for the kick I get out of knowing how highly it makes Byron think of me. See that's what make the twisted part of our friendship ok to balance. I know all the praise I get at work is for the work I do at my desk. 

Because for all the talk that happens between us I've still not done any work under his desk... Or on it...

2 Oct 2013

Birthday wishes...

Close your eyes. Blow out the candles. Make a wish. 

This is what we did as kids with candles on a cake. I tend to burn candles at night as I don't like electric lights after being in an office all day. So I blow out candles most nights and make a wish. 

Byron managed to deliver on a promise for a change. Birthday drinks. Just us. Ok granted it was only two drinks but that's a remarkable achievement for us at the moment. 

I spent the whole time winding him up about us. What I think (well wish) will happen for us. Some were sensible predictions ("we will sleep with each other at some point no matter what else") some not so sensible ("dear god I dread having to explain to our kids just how stupid their father can be"). All of these sentences were ended with "you cannot tell me off - its my birthday". 

He was surprisingly ok about it. What was surprising was not a single outright "no" passed his lips all night. It was the perfect birthday night. I didn't want him to come back here tonight, the banter was the right pace for us for once. 

See that's the funny thing about wishes. They occasionally come true. 

1 Oct 2013

12 hours day...

No good ever came from getting out of bed at 5am. Especially when you wake up half an hour before the 5am alarm even begins....

Today was a struggle. Epic amounts of work. Without a doubt another 12 hour day tomorrow (that's my birthday for any regular readers out there). And at least one day this weekend. 

Work Bitch struck again though. This is why as a general rule of thumb don't have female friends. I cannot stand the sheer vitriol women feel the need to direct at each other in the workplace. 

This is especially prevalent where one woman is superior to another. Because they feel the need to constantly prove this superiority. 

Work Bitch (and no given her behaviour I feel no hypocrisy about calling her this) does this by marching over to my desk and delivering speeches with one purpose and one only. To humiliate me in front of my other colleagues. Especially male colleagues. 

Went straight to HR about it all. This is my 5th complaint. I don't run from being told off if I've done something wrong. Hell I got a warning email off Byron today for being too casual in the way I spoke to him. 

But I draw the line at being belittled and bullied so one girl can feel smug and superior and ultimately safer in her job. Me being a threat to her work wise does not give her any right to speak to me that way. 

Going to bed now to do it all again tomorrow.