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27 Jan 2014


Urgh, this os not going to be pleasant for me to put into words.

One of my closest relatives died the other week. There was a delay in the funeral so I've been keeping a lid on it all. The funeral was this past Friday. My nerves feel like they've been rubbed with sandpaper then cleaned with vinegar.

Granted this relative was elderly this was sudden. Someone made a mistake. The word "inquiry" is never one you want bandied about at a wake.

I'm too raw to write anymore tonight. Other than to say I've not heard from Dutch Boy since our last night together. I miss him strangely.

20 Jan 2014

The Needling Exchange

Oh Byron is driving me insane. Even on a friends basis he drives me up the walls. 

So apparently his date from the weekend is "The One". Right... And I'm Santa Claus. 

Of all the ways to rebound he's going back to a childhood sweetheart. Because they have a real spark and I am someone who is tolerated. 

It took me approximately 4.5 minutes to jot in my phone the 6 main ways this will fail. I wonder how long till I'm proved right yet again...

In other needle news I'm sticking it to him just as good discussing my confusion over Dutch Boy. Friday night was such an effort on his part and in some ways so romantic. 

Haven't heard from him. Men are impossible...

18 Jan 2014

Double Dutch

So spent last night again with Dutch boy. I was supposed to be out with work colleagues but I skipped in favour of bringing forward a night with by 24 hours.

And oh boy what a night.

This is only the second time I've met him. First time was drinks at the Shard and an afternoon of truly excellent sex at his place. There is something about this guy even when he talks - very old streak romanticism (he doesn't like it when I point this out I still think its a compliment). He met me off the bus (because I couldn't remember the way back to his) and took me back to his.

Where I found the living room lit by candles, cushions and blankets everywhere. To some that would seem seedy I can assure you it was not. In between all the , again what was frankly fantastic, sex I got a full body massage, cuddle, fussed over and talked to like a human being with some decent level of intelligence. I also got dinner cooked me (a first) and then breakfast this morning. I generally feel spoiled and pampered and above all special right now.

A part of me wishes it had been seedy. A part of me wishes I'd seen the room as the set up for a cheap porn shoot. I wish he's ignored me, not talked to me and sent me packing to my place not holding me occasionally through the night. 

Because seedy is simple. Special raises too many questions.

17 Jan 2014

Sex, Lies and Videotapes

So I was a little bad before Christmas. I gave Byron a blow job in our offices after hours the Friday before Christmas. I was a little bad again last night when I gave him another one after work in my bedroom.

Ok so the night before Christmas. After hours in the office. Just the two of us, alternating between chatting nicely, me learning new things about the business, his hand up my skirt and me on my knees in the meeting room sucking his dick. I had a great night. I actually like it most when me and Byron and like this. It's so damn easy for us to flow through the whole night I am actually struggling to find words to describe it.

Annoyingly I'm sure Byron would like nothing more to weigh in at this point and say it's meaningless that we are able to do that. I'd like to point out to him we are miserable one way or another when we are not behaving like this. We get snippy with each other mainly and uptight and fraught.

Last night was a smaller version of the night before Christmas in so much as the end result was me on my knees with his dick in my mouth. I would like to go on the record as saying I'm not complaining about forever being on my knees it seems. I actually like doing that to guys - it's a power trip and I will never understand women who complain about it but I'm getting off track here.

So there is the sex so far. The lie is we're happy when it's not happening. The videotape? Well avoided disaster. Security cameras have been installed inside our offices for the first time. Luckily they are not discreet and have gone in with a lot of pomp so at least we know we got the chance to fool around in the office without starring in an inadvertent porn film....

14 Jan 2014

Hook, Line and Sinker

So last night I was complaining I have too many guys on the go at the moment. This is still true tonight and I'm forcing myself to knock out a blog post rather than start reeling in another new guy for the fun of it.

My best friend from home is well less of a best friend and more of a non-biological sister. She's known me almost all my life and fancies herself to be something of an amateur psychologist. I think that's what I'll call her from now on - Psy. So according to Psy I am psychologically scarred by my first boyfriend who openly left me for another member of our friendship group.

So now I chase really bad boys. To see if I can make them love me. For many months I've been seeing if I can entice Byron. And since dipping my toes into online dating (ok online fuck buddy meeting)  I'm now just playing a numbers game. How many can I snare?

Feel vaguely bad about this. Unlikely to meet everyone of these guys, not enough hours in the day. But I get off on talking. So I'm off fishing to see what I catch. then it's a case of choosing what I want to bring home for dinner and what I'll throw back into the water.

13 Jan 2014

Pins and needles

I have too many men on the go.

I am trying to have conversations with two different men via two different mediums. Plus my best (female) friend on Facebook. I also have Byron. There was also a 3rd boy via text.

And I wonder why I'm exhausted....

So trains of conversation

Dutch boy (met the other week for an afternoon of FUN I need to type up) - meeting again next weekend. He deserves some serious attention in this blog though. I'll get to that.

Writer boy - bit of a wildcard entry. Out of a long term relationship and a little pushy. But very smart and intriguing to talk to so will consider for one more night.

Jock boy - little young, little dumb but talking a basic game that enough to suggest I'd get a good bang out of him.

I've got pins and needles in my legs from sitting crossed legged at my desk trying to keep up with just these boys.

Byron and I needled each other on the way home. I discussed the various boy's I'm seeing. He apparently is planning a date of his own this weekend. I pointed out some of his more charming faults. He did the same to me. Apparently we're not special to each other. I pointed out that it's only going to take a few more months of this behaviour before he starts complaining someone is playing with his toy...

And if that fails I can always stick some actual pins in a nice little voodoo doll....

12 Jan 2014

Resuming Normal Service

There is nothing like a death in the family to readjust your perspective on life. In the cold harsh light of day we've lost a distant family member. In reality we've lost one of the most important people in our family.

Nothing like a death in the family to bring you all together to mourn and cherish those you have left.

At the same time there is nothing like a death in the family to rip you all apart and realise that those you have left don't know the first thing about you.

All I want to do tonight is sleep. And for the next 5 days to bring my job under control first. After that bring my family under control. Finally bring my issues with Byron under control.

The first one will take a massive will to care again about my job but should otherwise be simple. My family will take every ounce of my emotion and reason to recalibrate. And Byron? Well thats going to take an act of God.

9 Jan 2014

Stages of Grief

The traditional psychological stages of grief are

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

Mine and Byron's stages of grief appear to have been

1) Ignoring each other
2) Opening up about how we feel about the past few days
3) Attempt to purchase Byron a secret phone so he can message me
4) flirt outrageously
5) have one tender moment before saying good night

I think I need to see a therapist. Or have sex with Byron once and for all. Something monumental to swing my life one way or the other.

Part of our flirting banter is discussing the sex life we're having with other people. Or rather the sex life I'm having with other people. He currently has no sex life. He assures me of several things - to him I am not special or unique and that he's not jealous of me seeing other men. I rib him that he is more emotionally involved than he'd ever want to admit.

I think this is going to go on a while. There will be a few weeks or months of us both having sex with each other and having sex with other people and then it'll start creeping in. I'll go girly and start getting attached, he'll get blokish and pissed off someone else is playing with his toy.

Then we'll both need a therapist because we will have a relationship born out of twisted grief and fucking around. Sad thing? I'm actually looking forward to all this grief through my current grief. Or I'm trapped in the traditional stage 1 and am just too dumb to know it.

8 Jan 2014

Sudden loss

We've lost one of our closet family members. It's sudden but not entirely unexpected.

The same has happened to Byron.

This is so not the kind of bonding I would want for us in the new year.

5 Jan 2014

Intense relaxation

Hmmm I feel so good right now. So in-between waiting for Byron to make up his mind whether he stays or goes from my life I joined a website.

No I didn't not join a dating site. I was a bit more brazen and joined one purely for the basis of meeting up for casual sex. I joined about 3 months ago and met up with several guys. Here's a quick re-cap

1) Liar - said he wanted a casual night and had done this loads of time. Actually was just out of a long term relationship and was looking for the next

2) Weird guy - strange highly pitched voice, also a liar about height and other attributes, a night of sex that was sub par but I felt I had a moral obligation to be over enthusiastic for him...

3) Personal trainer - Oh. My. God. basically a sex machine, very cute and could happily bang away for hours. Not mooch for conversation - cute but dumb syndrome

4) Hmm today's guy. This one I think will need a nickname. I think I'll go with Cutie for tonight as I'm too tired to come up with anything else.

I'll say this to everyone who demonises casual sex and would call me a degenerate slut - there is nothing and I mean NOTHING greater for a woman's ego than having a man fawn over her for the afternoon. I got drinks at a wonderful London landmark, massaged, fucked to multiple orgasms, cuddled and told I was beautiful the whole time.

I feel like someone removed every bone in my body right now. It's so damn good. Why why why have I not been doing this for longer?

4 Jan 2014

Radio Silence

No word from Byron... I'm taking it as bad news and trying not to dwell.

I have some serious bad habits - mainly in the past few months I joined a site to encourage meeting for casual sex. Now my sexual history is a bit odd. Compared with national statistics I lost my virginity at a very late age (21) and spent the next three and a half years with that one guy.

Since leaving him last January and this January I've now had sex with 4 other men. And had conversations of a sexual nature with more than I cared to keep count of. This also doesn't include the fooling around with Byron (which before Christmas has taken on a physical side but not to the scale of actually having sex yet).

My best friend believes I am acting out not because I ended my relationship last January but because I have failed to form one with Byron. This linked with the guy who broke my heart at 19 by oddly enough refusing to be the one I lost my virginity too.

See and I thought I was just single and horny. Now I'm having to face a deeper delve into my psyche. Because here's the thing - where Byron is right now he is suffering. And I want to be there with him, for him. Instead there is only silence.

2 Jan 2014

Instinctive deductions

So Sherlock returned to our tv screens last night. I immensely enjoyed it - bit of a Sherlock geek. Bit if a geek in general but that's by the by.

Sherlock is renowned for making split second judgments and deductions. I had a Sherlock moment today. Passed the meeting room of our office to see Byron and the HR manager. Standing not sitting and Byron clutching his mobile. That's all I saw and it was enough.

It's not for me to say what happened but I knew Byron would be leaving the office in the next 10 minutes and he did. It's not related to the now ex-girlfriend but it's bad.

There's been no word from him since. I'm terrified. Even the friend part of me wants to run and be there for him but I know he won't let me. This is the second instinctive deduction of the day. He'll never let me in will he?

1 Jan 2014

Strengthening Resolutions

So today is the first full day of 2014. A new year. A time for new beginnings. Unfortunately the 1st day of the year has seen Byron behave in the very same way he did for most of 2013 - the moment we make plans to fuck he vanishes from the face of the earth.

At least I'm no longer surprised by this behaviour. I'm still disappointed but its more of a dull ache in the pit of my stomach and a general feeling of resignation rather than a a sharply cutting pain across my chest and a deep sense of humiliation at being sexually rejected yet again. I was never very good at coping with that.

Still tonight is not a night to dwell. Tonight is the night to cement resolutions, a plan for the forthcoming year. So here goes

1) maintain this blog all year - nearly 3 months last year was a good start but not good enough

2) get fit in general - down to a UK size 10 if possible or at least a better toned 12

3) get a new job - the current one is starting to grate on my last good nerve

4) attempt to write a book - I have a longstanding argument with my best friend from childhood that I can't do this, she seems to think otherwise time will tell which one of us is right

5) figure out this situation with Byron once and for all - 1 year of indecision is 1 too many

Overall I don't think it's too bad a plan. Attempting to write a book should be a pleasant distraction on the days Byron says he'll be calling round to fuck my brains out. At this point I'd wager the book is more likely than us ever processing beyond the point that we are. Which is a shame because our friendship has stalled at the moment as neither of us can get past the attraction. But at the same time one of us is repeatedly holding back.

Still gotta keep the chin up and look out brightly across the year ahead. Because one thing I won't do this year is be miserable. I did too much of that last year. This is a year to be happy. Whether Byron figures into happiness or if it's time for him to go the same way as 2013 remains to be seen.

Happy New Year?

Well I abandoned this for a while... too much happened to fast for me to keep up with it all. Also a lot that effected me was actually the lives of those around me. But those stories are not mine to tell in such detail, if the people concerned want those stories on the internet they can write their own blog.

Byron and I are still in limbo. December was a fraught month for us - veering from being instantly physical with one another (but still haven't actually had sex) to almost existing on two separate plains of reality.

There has been sex though... Oh my the stories I could tell but not tonight. Tonight is more dipping my toe back into things, it is not the time for deep introspection.

So in simple terms 2014 begins for me almost the same as 2013 did. I chose to spend it alone with Chinese food. I'm aware that written down that sounds pathetic but I actually feel quite content. 2013 I was waiting for a fiancé to return from abroad so I could leave him. 2014 sees me waiting for my closest friend to see what happens next.

I can reveal that things are over with the girlfriend but she currently remains in the picture. She is now also aware of my existence (and much to my displeasure my phone number), which is certainly making for an interesting life right now.

January is named for Janus - the Roman god with two heads, one to look forward to the year anew and one to look back at years past in contemplation so as far as I'm concerned I have a whole month to weigh up 2013 vs 2014.

Oh and of course you could also argue for spending much of 2013 being in some way involved with a taken man (ok 2 taken men if you count the one-night stands with Player) Janus is a good representation of me.... two faced bitch.