Confusion reigns supreme

Here's the funny thing. Until now I've been afraid that the dangers of being with Byron are

1) losing my best friend

2) losing my job (if we get caught being stupid in the office)

3) losing my head and ending up with a broken heart

What I should have been worried about is the fact that I am now seriously questioning my sexuality. I've always had vague fantasies about having a threesome. As in me, a guy and another girl. 

Until now it's been kinda vague. Turns out its a fantasy of Byron's as well. So we've been discussing it in detail. And now we're planning one... So tonight's mutual session of messing about involved swapping what videos we were watching online.

Here in lies the confusion. I'm now so insanely turned on just watching girls tonight. Am I just so horny everything is turning me on? Am I bi? Am I gay? Am I finally just going insane?

Either way I think it's time to turn off the porn and try to get some wholesome sleep...

A sexless affair...

Oh lord in heaven. So today it was office life that monumentally derailed our plans for a steamy tryst at mine tonight. Also combined with him not sleeping last night and me being a moody bitch certainly dampened both our desires. 

Final nail in the coffin was Byron's nightly argument with her at home. Lead to our usual joint commute of bitching about the office and discussing everything we would have preferred doing in my bedroom. 

To be honest though its nights like this more than ever I wish we were dating. Because if we were at we could have gone to one of our places together and have lazy sex. This is the sex where you replace the physical intensity with the emotional. Nice, slow, lazy Sunday afternoon style sex. In the middle of the week.  

Sadly as we still haven't got around to this and we both know the first time has to be hot, dirty, physically demanding, risk breaking furniture and ourselves sex. In Byron's own words we both "have to bring our A game". 

Great so two office martyrs, working all hours under the sun for a deluded madman plus avoiding one girlfriend who watches his every move like a hawk... How in god's name do we find time and energy to fuck?

I don't even have the energy to change the batteries in my vibrator tonight ffs...

Burning alive

God I am so frustrated. Over a month of intense flirting and we're reaching a breaking point. Byron and I have been dangerously reckless at work. Heavy flirting, kissing in the kitchen. Outside of work we've been for a drink and some seriously heavy petting in an area of London we could easily be recognised. 

Amazingly he told me today he missed me last week. And he'd been thinking about me. Granted there was an admission a lot of that time he was thinking about fucking me. It's still amazing progress for him. Don't normally get those admissions. 

He's still not single though. I'm a little worried I still feel no guilt. The plan is to fuck after work tomorrow. We've been down this road before and he normally bails. 

I know how I feel about things are there are two non-negotiable points I have decided on. Firstly I will not live my life without him. He's my best friend, nobody gets me as well as he does and we simply have too much fun together. 

Secondly I'm not going through life without fucking him. We're too close, there's too much heat between us and god if the kissing is anything to go by its going to be the best sex I've ever had. 

F*cked Buddies

Argh so frustrated tonight. Nearing the end of my enforced communication separation from Byron. This is the longest we've spent apart since his last holiday with the psycho (granted they were getting along better at that time and we weren't in the hot and heavy zone we are now). This was back in May. It now being November I'm used to not seeing him two out of seven days of the week. 9 straight days of no word has been horrible.

There are several things annoying me about this holiday. Mainly its the knowledge that they will have had a lovely time away together. Because when he is a) in her line of sight at all times and b) not talking about his career they do get along. Problem is when he's out of her line of sight he usually these days has his hands all over me and his lips on mine. Also his career is majorly important to him and he does want to invest time in it so she's not going to like that when they come back to London.

I can't lie, I'm also disappointed he hasn't messaged me. So I did the ultra mature thing and texted Player to see if he felt like hooking up tonight. But sadly he doesn't appear to be talking to me either. Can't say I blame he after all he is Byron's flatmate and no doubt knows what we've been up too lately.

Whoops did I previously not mention that Byron and Player are best mates? I really did mean to write that down at some point.... Because life isn't complicated enough is it some days.

I am so fucked. Been physically screwing one guy who I don't care about emotionally who is best friends with the guy who is emotionally screwing me over by not fucking me. I have no idea how I got into this mess. More worryingly at the moment I just can't see a way out.

Ghosts in the machines

Urgh really truly awful day. Tonight's post will be short. Major system error crashed the business today. Cue much flapping of arms and jaws until it was fixed.

Reliance on computers is dangerous but inevitable these days. One random string of code is the difference between success and failure. Finding that one string and righting it when it goes wrong is a nightmare. 

Issue like the above are where I take issue with the phrase "needle in a haystack". With the right tools a needle is easy to find in a haystack. Needle is a man made metallic structure completely different to the malleable organic stands of hay. This is looking for a specific needle in a stack of needles. And that's way harder. 

Byron has become a ghost in a machine in his own way. He merely exists this week in the form of past communications. Nothing new. Not allowed to contact him still. 

Our business relies on computers controlling the flow of money around the world. I'm relying on the memory of past messages being enough to bring Byron back to me next week. All down to random strings of code in the end. 

Symbiotic siblings

One of the strangest aspects of my job is the fact my younger brother works in the same office as me. 

It was recently his birthday and I owed him dinner out (and a belated present). It's strange we're too very different people taste wise but working with him has made me realise (after 23 years) that our core values and ethics are perfectly matched. 

So tonight was spent discussing our next career moves, the current mood of the office and swapping tactical gossip. 

The good news is both sides have been able to report we are well respected and considered to be hard workers. The bad news for me is the mapping up of my relationship with Byron has not gone unnoticed. 

And so we're back to weird. My kid brother having to hear rumours about me banging a senior manager at the same company we work for. Life is never simple is it?

Out damned spot!

Oh my god. I thought part of growing older was things like spots are supposed to go the hell away (in denial the cause of this is being the recent resurgence in my smoking habit). 

I'm not in the habit of complaining about something so trivial but the damn thing is in my ear canal. I can just feel it with the top of my finger. I can feel it every time I flex my jaw. I can feel it when I lie down on that side. 

I have a million to one other things I could complain about from my life. The fact I was in work early. The fact that I stayed late. The fact I feel totally overworked and under appreciated. Byron not being there to support me work wise. The issues of reliance on 3rd party providers. Idiot flatmates. Underpaid. 

Nope thing that's driving me to utter despair is a single small spot in my ear. I cannot for the life of me work out if I have amazing perspective on life, the tolerance of a saint or if I have finally lost my last marble...

Of vice and men

Hmmm nothing like the absence of something no make you miss it all the more. 

I'm missing another body pressed against mine. I'm craving feeling another body pressed against mine. Byron's has been explicitly teasing me for nearly a month and has now vanished on his holiday with no idea how he will be on his return. 

Player has vanished into the ether once more. Possibly for good as I recently broke the cardinal rule of our agreement and sent an emotionally charged text. Emotions weren't directed at him, they were about Byron, but I still text him which I shouldn't have. 

And Army Boy is on an army base and therefore completely utterly more so non-contactable than Byron. 

And all I wanna do is fuck someone. Too tired though to go out to a club. So if i can't indulge in bad men I'll indulge in my other vices. 

Namely smoking, drinking and bad tv. I'll be virtuous some other time. 

TV Embrace

Lazy evening tonight. First day covering Work Bitch's job. Her being away has its highs and its lows. The massive positive is there's no toxic cloud wafting around the office... In addition to her noxious perfume her personality isn't that great either. 

Downside is my feet didn't touch the floor for the better part of 8 hours today. Am exhausted despite my lazy weekend. Curled up tonight with some wine and excellent tv to soothe my nerves and got to thinking. 

A few weeks ago I was approached by a TV production company asking if I was interested in putting myself forward for a new show following a group of friends around London. After much thought I declined. 

Watching Made in Chelsea tonight I'm glad I did decline. I couldn't be as honest as I am in this blog on TV. I couldn't put myself up to that level of scrutiny and on many occasions ridicule with everyone knowing who I am. 

So for tonight I'll admire those who have that level of bravery to put themselves out there. Not deliberately promoting myself here but I did briefly work with one of the Made in Chelsea people and I know enough that they're not exactly the persona on TV.

Sticking to this side of my TV screen was certainly the right choice for me. Easier to be myself that way. 

Plan the work, work the plan

So I have 7 more days of enforced non-contact with Byron. The first 5 of 10 days without Work Bitch in the office. Time to get my head in the game. 

I still desperately need to tidy my room, but it simply been too exhausted this weekend. But it has to happen. Getting my room in order will be a major step towards getting the rest of my life in order. 

Work wise I need to plan the removal of responsibilities from Work Bitch. This will be a major step towards massively improving my CV. Because frankly I deserve a better job... And I want a better fucking salary to match. 

And if I can get this done I'll mentally be in a better place overall. I suspect I will need this so I can continue to support Byron. I'm currently seriously torn between hoping he's having a miserable time so he finally leaves an hoping he's having a lovely time and getting the rest he so desperately needs. 

But my life first. God created the world in 6 days and rested on the seventh. Lets see if I can recreate mine and post a nice peaceful post next Sunday awaiting Byron's return. 

Shattered...

Posting early tonight. Already been to bed once as I can barely keep my eyes open. Just waiting for a take away dinner, do some dishes and then going straight back to bed. 

As per usual these days been to the office this morning. Work Bitch is away for two weeks (see miracles do happen) which means I take over her job. 

Byron will also be away this week. We were alone late at the office again last night. We were supposed to be going for a drink but the poor lamb had so much to finish we ended up just hanging at the office. 

Been a definite improvement since the horror of Wednesday, the dirty talk resumed as did a few small kisses but granted not on our normal scale. This is the funny thing about the stress of our jobs - they just leave you so frustrated you end up wanting to have really rough sex with someone. But someone who understands the day you've just been through is also an important factor. 

I will miss Byron for the next 9 days. It's like a long weekend and standard Byron weekend rules apply - no contact what so ever. Not sure what will happen between him and his girlfriend but that's a long post for another night. For now I need to have some food then crawl into bed and slip quietly into a semi-catatonic state. 

Laws of the Robotic

Had another interesting flatmate day today. The idiot bohemian boy had a nosebleed this morning and yet he merrily swanned off to work leaving blood over the floors...

This has to be the most grim flat sharing story of my life. I really feel sorry for my other flat mate who text me this at work as she was cleaning it up. 

I crossed paths with him tonight and asked for his version of events. I got a ridiculous story about it being ok to leave blood on the floors because cleaning it would make him late for work... And he's normally late anyway so he's in trouble as it is with his company. Boo fucking hoo mate. 

I pointed out he was disgusting to leave that as it was. I got told I was a robot with no empathy for his tragic life. This would be a life of raving, occasionally going to work, always forgetting to pay me for bills and now expecting is to clean up his blood?

Of disagreeing with the above makes me a robot fine by mean. Sign me up. Actually could you also book me in for an oil change and have a look at my brakes? Haven't stopped at all this week and need to be in the office tomorrow at 8am? Thanks.