Reset. Reboot. Restart.

Oh today was weird. After last night's fight it took my and Byron a while to readjust. 

Weird day in general in the office. Filming footage for a corporate promotion film. Grim. One thing today has proved is being on TV is never going to be an option for me. 

A camera right in my face at my desk. While I'm trying to work as if nothing is happening. I dread what my facial expression was. And to think I thought the most awkward thing about my job was trying to discreetly dirty text Byron from my desk...

Commute home was the moment Byron and I dragged ourselves back onto our normal wavelength. Just laughing and joking. Only serious point was me telling him I'm going to pretend last night didn't happen and I expect him to do the same. 

And also that us not being together is the most stupid thing he's ever said. Mostly because this is the 5th time he's said this but always comes back to me. 

Last words were a joke about "getting off together" on the tube. I think in the long run we'll be fine. In the short term however I think I'm still in for a rough ride. 

Excruciating pain...

Awful night. Really bad. Things have been weird this week with Byron, he's barely even looked at me this week let alone spoken. Complete shutdown. 

Lost it with him a bit tonight and the text messages that followed were the most horrifically cold words he's even written to me. 

Culminating in the statement we will never be together. 

Earlier I was upset. Now I'm just fucking angry. I refuse to believe I've imagined the last 10 months of our lives. To be honest if my imagination was that good I wouldn't be working my crappy job. I'd be writing novels and out selling JK Rowling and Helen Fielding combined. 

I'm not going to do anything crazy or stupid. I AM going to tear a strip off him tomorrow. How dare he push me till I snap again. It's a very clear defence - making me seem as crazy as his girlfriend. Gives him all too good an excuse to run and hide. 

Y Plan? It's only makes God laugh...

Der mentsh trakht un Got lakht

Yiddish - man plans. God laughs. 

Funny the things you remember from school days. So while I supposedly planning and waiting for some fictional life with Byron I actually went out and lived for the night. 

The life I've always planned while living in London. Spontaneously going to the theatre and grabbing a late tube home with take out. Fortunately there's an app for that - Y Plan*. Yesterday booked a quick and easy virtual ticket and off I went. I fear this app will put quite a dent in my (limited) disposable income but I sense it will be worth it. Big shout out to these guys - they deserve it. Second shout out for Noodle Stop at Leicester Sq for supplying me with BBQ chicken and rice to sustain me on the way home. 

Granted the play I chose turned out a no holds barred emotional roller coaster with some very disturbing sound effects which left me hanging onto my wine for dear life. But still this is the life I always wanted. 

All that's missing is someone to share it with. Whether that's Byron or not remains to be seen...

*disclaimer I have not been payed to endorse/advertise/wax lyrical about Y Plan. It's my personal experience/opinion of using this app. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

About face

Well the storm hit and rattled me to the core. Idiot French flatmate left his windows open and his bedroom door nearly came of the hinges swinging back and forth... I'm hoping if I keep acting a total bitch towards him he will more out sooner rather than later... Easy enough to do I just keep asking him to pay his share of the bills. 

Byron had a calmer weekend. Too calm. They got along this weekend. So no naughtiness today. True to form this. As soon as we're getting close (and I don't mean the bus shenanigans I mean emotionally close) he magically has a peaceful weekend with her and we take another step back. 

Of course the psyche of the fact they're going away next week has nothing to do with it I'm sure...

I'm getting really frustrated with this. In a benevolent mood I tell myself he's confused, in a very bad situation and (by his own admission last Friday) scared of screwing things up any further. 

But tonight I'm in a mood as black as the clouds that rolled across Great Britain last night. Tonight he has more faces than Janus. Tonight he would deserve me turning up at his place to announce to his girlfriend all that has passed between us in the last 11 months (that's one month less than they've been together). But I know as my friend he would never forgive me for such an act and I couldn't live with that. 

And after all patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait. And in all likelihood this weekend has been a mere cessation of hostilities between them, not the end of the war. 

Any port in a storm

Oh I hate Sundays. I really do. 

Firstly I dragged myself into the office (using Byron's key) to clear up some annoying admin work. I did this at the cost of my own admin work at home. 

Admin stuff I really need to do includes 

* tidy room which currently looks like a bomb exploded in H&M

* food shopping for actual ingredients to cook a meal, not buy more ready meals out of exhaustion 

* tidy my room

* archive previous blog posts so they're not lost and general work on blog as well

* seriously need to tidy my room

* tidy computer hard drive

* seriously TIDY MY FUCKING ROOM... Ffs I'm 25 and could currently put the average 15 year old to shame...

So all the above needs doing to get halfway to organising my life. Tomorrow is the start of yet another week of merry-go-rounds with Byron no doubt. Wonder how sorting his life is going. 

Epic storms brewing both indoors and outdoors for both of us no doubt. Still as bad as my room is I still think its a better port of call for Byron than the emotional mess of his home life. 

Question is what will the level of destruction be... And more importantly will enough wreckage survive to build something storm proof afterwards?

Smart phone? More like Smart Bomb

So I've been dwelling today on one of the points Byron and I had a healthy discussion about last night. And I say healthy discussion as arguments are something he has with girlfriend which result in shouting, tears and recriminations. 

Byron has asserted all girls are some level of crazy. And that when were emotionally involved we run the risk of doing crazy things. Byron is afraid I will do something crazy and unleash hell unto his existence if things fail between us. 

I actually realised today I could do that very easily if I wanted to. Now before I go any further I have no intention of ever going through with this - it's just the easiest, first plan I thought of. 

Byron and the girlfriend live together currently. Byron's girlfriend lives in fear of him cheating (she has a point there - see last nights blog post) so routinely goes through his phone and emails (Byron may have a point about crazy women). 

Needless to say anything I text Byron and vice versa is deleted... From his phone. Mine is perfectly intact from last December when this all began. Even when he changed his phone number. 

Add in my email accounts and every blog post I've ever written on the very same phone and I have the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb in my hand. 

So a girlfriend who I know where she lives. And Byron who I know works late. Byron's right it would be terrifyingly easy for me to turn up at their flat, hand her my phone and in all likelihood destroy their relationship once and for all. 

I'm glad I'm in more control of myself. Byron may have a point about the craziness of women. For his sake he'd better hope I know my own mind enough never to do something like that to him...

Voyage of the Damned

You know you're onto a winning outfit when your taken boss has one look at you in it and announces 

"Well I'm going straight to hell"

Definitely a winning outfit. Ankle length skirts look perfectly respectable from the front... Side on the thigh high splits on both legs certainly gave Byron something to think about. 

As I previously mentioned, many eons ago, I work for a financial company. And today was bonus day in our company so Byron and I headed for celebratory drinks. 

Conversation had two settings. Setting One the dirty details of what we want to do to each other. Setting Two serious emotional implications of going though with Setting One. 

In a brief summary Byron has admitted he's afraid/unsure we could make things work. I told him he was an idiot. Repeat 4 times then discuss blow jobs then reverse. 

Finale of the night though was making use of the thigh high splits in my skirt. One convenient coat over my lap on the bus and Byron very effectively slipped his hand between my legs and rubbed my clit until I came. 

Managed to keep from screaming. Think we were discreet enough to get away with it. Although to be honest I couldn't care less who knew. It was too much fun to stop...