The traditional psychological stages of grief are
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
Mine and Byron's stages of grief appear to have been
1) Ignoring each other
2) Opening up about how we feel about the past few days
3) Attempt to purchase Byron a secret phone so he can message me
4) flirt outrageously
5) have one tender moment before saying good night
I think I need to see a therapist. Or have sex with Byron once and for all. Something monumental to swing my life one way or the other.
Part of our flirting banter is discussing the sex life we're having with other people. Or rather the sex life I'm having with other people. He currently has no sex life. He assures me of several things - to him I am not special or unique and that he's not jealous of me seeing other men. I rib him that he is more emotionally involved than he'd ever want to admit.
I think this is going to go on a while. There will be a few weeks or months of us both having sex with each other and having sex with other people and then it'll start creeping in. I'll go girly and start getting attached, he'll get blokish and pissed off someone else is playing with his toy.
Then we'll both need a therapist because we will have a relationship born out of twisted grief and fucking around. Sad thing? I'm actually looking forward to all this grief through my current grief. Or I'm trapped in the traditional stage 1 and am just too dumb to know it.
9 Jan 2014
8 Jan 2014
Sudden loss
We've lost one of our closet family members. It's sudden but not entirely unexpected.
The same has happened to Byron.
This is so not the kind of bonding I would want for us in the new year.
The same has happened to Byron.
This is so not the kind of bonding I would want for us in the new year.
5 Jan 2014
Intense relaxation
Hmmm I feel so good right now. So in-between waiting for Byron to make up his mind whether he stays or goes from my life I joined a website.
No I didn't not join a dating site. I was a bit more brazen and joined one purely for the basis of meeting up for casual sex. I joined about 3 months ago and met up with several guys. Here's a quick re-cap
1) Liar - said he wanted a casual night and had done this loads of time. Actually was just out of a long term relationship and was looking for the next
2) Weird guy - strange highly pitched voice, also a liar about height and other attributes, a night of sex that was sub par but I felt I had a moral obligation to be over enthusiastic for him...
3) Personal trainer - Oh. My. God. basically a sex machine, very cute and could happily bang away for hours. Not mooch for conversation - cute but dumb syndrome
4) Hmm today's guy. This one I think will need a nickname. I think I'll go with Cutie for tonight as I'm too tired to come up with anything else.
I'll say this to everyone who demonises casual sex and would call me a degenerate slut - there is nothing and I mean NOTHING greater for a woman's ego than having a man fawn over her for the afternoon. I got drinks at a wonderful London landmark, massaged, fucked to multiple orgasms, cuddled and told I was beautiful the whole time.
I feel like someone removed every bone in my body right now. It's so damn good. Why why why have I not been doing this for longer?
No I didn't not join a dating site. I was a bit more brazen and joined one purely for the basis of meeting up for casual sex. I joined about 3 months ago and met up with several guys. Here's a quick re-cap
1) Liar - said he wanted a casual night and had done this loads of time. Actually was just out of a long term relationship and was looking for the next
2) Weird guy - strange highly pitched voice, also a liar about height and other attributes, a night of sex that was sub par but I felt I had a moral obligation to be over enthusiastic for him...
3) Personal trainer - Oh. My. God. basically a sex machine, very cute and could happily bang away for hours. Not mooch for conversation - cute but dumb syndrome
4) Hmm today's guy. This one I think will need a nickname. I think I'll go with Cutie for tonight as I'm too tired to come up with anything else.
I'll say this to everyone who demonises casual sex and would call me a degenerate slut - there is nothing and I mean NOTHING greater for a woman's ego than having a man fawn over her for the afternoon. I got drinks at a wonderful London landmark, massaged, fucked to multiple orgasms, cuddled and told I was beautiful the whole time.
I feel like someone removed every bone in my body right now. It's so damn good. Why why why have I not been doing this for longer?
4 Jan 2014
Radio Silence
No word from Byron... I'm taking it as bad news and trying not to dwell.
I have some serious bad habits - mainly in the past few months I joined a site to encourage meeting for casual sex. Now my sexual history is a bit odd. Compared with national statistics I lost my virginity at a very late age (21) and spent the next three and a half years with that one guy.
Since leaving him last January and this January I've now had sex with 4 other men. And had conversations of a sexual nature with more than I cared to keep count of. This also doesn't include the fooling around with Byron (which before Christmas has taken on a physical side but not to the scale of actually having sex yet).
My best friend believes I am acting out not because I ended my relationship last January but because I have failed to form one with Byron. This linked with the guy who broke my heart at 19 by oddly enough refusing to be the one I lost my virginity too.
See and I thought I was just single and horny. Now I'm having to face a deeper delve into my psyche. Because here's the thing - where Byron is right now he is suffering. And I want to be there with him, for him. Instead there is only silence.
I have some serious bad habits - mainly in the past few months I joined a site to encourage meeting for casual sex. Now my sexual history is a bit odd. Compared with national statistics I lost my virginity at a very late age (21) and spent the next three and a half years with that one guy.
Since leaving him last January and this January I've now had sex with 4 other men. And had conversations of a sexual nature with more than I cared to keep count of. This also doesn't include the fooling around with Byron (which before Christmas has taken on a physical side but not to the scale of actually having sex yet).
My best friend believes I am acting out not because I ended my relationship last January but because I have failed to form one with Byron. This linked with the guy who broke my heart at 19 by oddly enough refusing to be the one I lost my virginity too.
See and I thought I was just single and horny. Now I'm having to face a deeper delve into my psyche. Because here's the thing - where Byron is right now he is suffering. And I want to be there with him, for him. Instead there is only silence.
2 Jan 2014
Instinctive deductions
So Sherlock returned to our tv screens last night. I immensely enjoyed it - bit of a Sherlock geek. Bit if a geek in general but that's by the by.
Sherlock is renowned for making split second judgments and deductions. I had a Sherlock moment today. Passed the meeting room of our office to see Byron and the HR manager. Standing not sitting and Byron clutching his mobile. That's all I saw and it was enough.
It's not for me to say what happened but I knew Byron would be leaving the office in the next 10 minutes and he did. It's not related to the now ex-girlfriend but it's bad.
There's been no word from him since. I'm terrified. Even the friend part of me wants to run and be there for him but I know he won't let me. This is the second instinctive deduction of the day. He'll never let me in will he?
Sherlock is renowned for making split second judgments and deductions. I had a Sherlock moment today. Passed the meeting room of our office to see Byron and the HR manager. Standing not sitting and Byron clutching his mobile. That's all I saw and it was enough.
It's not for me to say what happened but I knew Byron would be leaving the office in the next 10 minutes and he did. It's not related to the now ex-girlfriend but it's bad.
There's been no word from him since. I'm terrified. Even the friend part of me wants to run and be there for him but I know he won't let me. This is the second instinctive deduction of the day. He'll never let me in will he?
1 Jan 2014
Strengthening Resolutions
So today is the first full day of 2014. A new year. A time for new beginnings. Unfortunately the 1st day of the year has seen Byron behave in the very same way he did for most of 2013 - the moment we make plans to fuck he vanishes from the face of the earth.
At least I'm no longer surprised by this behaviour. I'm still disappointed but its more of a dull ache in the pit of my stomach and a general feeling of resignation rather than a a sharply cutting pain across my chest and a deep sense of humiliation at being sexually rejected yet again. I was never very good at coping with that.
Still tonight is not a night to dwell. Tonight is the night to cement resolutions, a plan for the forthcoming year. So here goes
1) maintain this blog all year - nearly 3 months last year was a good start but not good enough
2) get fit in general - down to a UK size 10 if possible or at least a better toned 12
3) get a new job - the current one is starting to grate on my last good nerve
4) attempt to write a book - I have a longstanding argument with my best friend from childhood that I can't do this, she seems to think otherwise time will tell which one of us is right
5) figure out this situation with Byron once and for all - 1 year of indecision is 1 too many
Overall I don't think it's too bad a plan. Attempting to write a book should be a pleasant distraction on the days Byron says he'll be calling round to fuck my brains out. At this point I'd wager the book is more likely than us ever processing beyond the point that we are. Which is a shame because our friendship has stalled at the moment as neither of us can get past the attraction. But at the same time one of us is repeatedly holding back.
Still gotta keep the chin up and look out brightly across the year ahead. Because one thing I won't do this year is be miserable. I did too much of that last year. This is a year to be happy. Whether Byron figures into happiness or if it's time for him to go the same way as 2013 remains to be seen.
At least I'm no longer surprised by this behaviour. I'm still disappointed but its more of a dull ache in the pit of my stomach and a general feeling of resignation rather than a a sharply cutting pain across my chest and a deep sense of humiliation at being sexually rejected yet again. I was never very good at coping with that.
Still tonight is not a night to dwell. Tonight is the night to cement resolutions, a plan for the forthcoming year. So here goes
1) maintain this blog all year - nearly 3 months last year was a good start but not good enough
2) get fit in general - down to a UK size 10 if possible or at least a better toned 12
3) get a new job - the current one is starting to grate on my last good nerve
4) attempt to write a book - I have a longstanding argument with my best friend from childhood that I can't do this, she seems to think otherwise time will tell which one of us is right
5) figure out this situation with Byron once and for all - 1 year of indecision is 1 too many
Overall I don't think it's too bad a plan. Attempting to write a book should be a pleasant distraction on the days Byron says he'll be calling round to fuck my brains out. At this point I'd wager the book is more likely than us ever processing beyond the point that we are. Which is a shame because our friendship has stalled at the moment as neither of us can get past the attraction. But at the same time one of us is repeatedly holding back.
Still gotta keep the chin up and look out brightly across the year ahead. Because one thing I won't do this year is be miserable. I did too much of that last year. This is a year to be happy. Whether Byron figures into happiness or if it's time for him to go the same way as 2013 remains to be seen.
Happy New Year?
Well I abandoned this for a while... too much happened to fast for me to keep up with it all. Also a lot that effected me was actually the lives of those around me. But those stories are not mine to tell in such detail, if the people concerned want those stories on the internet they can write their own blog.
Byron and I are still in limbo. December was a fraught month for us - veering from being instantly physical with one another (but still haven't actually had sex) to almost existing on two separate plains of reality.
There has been sex though... Oh my the stories I could tell but not tonight. Tonight is more dipping my toe back into things, it is not the time for deep introspection.
So in simple terms 2014 begins for me almost the same as 2013 did. I chose to spend it alone with Chinese food. I'm aware that written down that sounds pathetic but I actually feel quite content. 2013 I was waiting for a fiancé to return from abroad so I could leave him. 2014 sees me waiting for my closest friend to see what happens next.
I can reveal that things are over with the girlfriend but she currently remains in the picture. She is now also aware of my existence (and much to my displeasure my phone number), which is certainly making for an interesting life right now.
January is named for Janus - the Roman god with two heads, one to look forward to the year anew and one to look back at years past in contemplation so as far as I'm concerned I have a whole month to weigh up 2013 vs 2014.
Oh and of course you could also argue for spending much of 2013 being in some way involved with a taken man (ok 2 taken men if you count the one-night stands with Player) Janus is a good representation of me.... two faced bitch.
Byron and I are still in limbo. December was a fraught month for us - veering from being instantly physical with one another (but still haven't actually had sex) to almost existing on two separate plains of reality.
There has been sex though... Oh my the stories I could tell but not tonight. Tonight is more dipping my toe back into things, it is not the time for deep introspection.
So in simple terms 2014 begins for me almost the same as 2013 did. I chose to spend it alone with Chinese food. I'm aware that written down that sounds pathetic but I actually feel quite content. 2013 I was waiting for a fiancé to return from abroad so I could leave him. 2014 sees me waiting for my closest friend to see what happens next.
I can reveal that things are over with the girlfriend but she currently remains in the picture. She is now also aware of my existence (and much to my displeasure my phone number), which is certainly making for an interesting life right now.
January is named for Janus - the Roman god with two heads, one to look forward to the year anew and one to look back at years past in contemplation so as far as I'm concerned I have a whole month to weigh up 2013 vs 2014.
Oh and of course you could also argue for spending much of 2013 being in some way involved with a taken man (ok 2 taken men if you count the one-night stands with Player) Janus is a good representation of me.... two faced bitch.
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